Wrestling Matches and Toy Steering Wheels

So, we meet again. :)

I went to see this band in concert last night. And. It. Was. Perfect. As my roommate and I drove back from Houston to our small college town, we listened to them play softly as it mixed with sound of tires and road in the background. We talked about many things: future, college life so far, how college is far from the real world, and how we miss art and culture (mostly I think I am yearning for a big city, but that's beside the point lol).

I guess the main thing we talked about was futures and our dreams and the chaotic feelings I've been having lately about majors. I have no clue what I should major in. I have an idea of what I desire to do, but there is not major in Service or Love or Missions. Trust me, I've checked. I have so many dreams and so many options, but I have no clue of where those desires and dreams lead me on His path. I've been waiting and searching for guidance from Him, and He has granted me peace, but is withholding His future plans for me. I know why, but I still dislike it all the same.

I have always said that God is sovereign, that He is in control, and has a plan for our lives and we are simply a small blank, empty page in the story He is writing; however, when I have said this, I have always seen the light at the end of the next tunnel. I have always been able to see the next step. This is all easy to say when you feel in control, but when you suddenly realize that you have no control, it is disorienting, frightening, and all-together nauseating. I am struggling to fight God for control right now, when I know good and well I shouldn't and can't be in control because my life would soon come falling down in a fiery haze, but my flesh detests the idea of not having a hold of the steering wheel. This is why He is doing it.

In all actuality though, I have never had control of my life. I have been the naive, bratty child in the passenger seat with the plastic toy wheel, only giving me the allusion of control, as He steers my life down the road that brings Him the most glory.

As D'Ann and I drove back to College Station, this song played and we talked the meaning behind this song (please go look up the lyrics to this song, by the way. He doesn't have the best vocals, but has awesome lyrics) and how it applied perfectly to our feelings of the future.

"Salute at the threshold of the North Sea

in my mind
And a nod to the boredom that drove me here
to face the tide and swim

Dip the toe in the ocean. Oh how it hardens and it numbs.
And the rest of me is a version of man
built to collapse into crumbs
And if I hadn’t come down
To the coast to disappear
I may have died in a land-slide
Of the rocks, the hopes and fears.

So, swim until you can't see land..."

As we talked about our dreams and desires, our brains went on a wonderful chase as we spat out one desire after another and how we knew God has instilled those desires in our lives. So many people let these God-given desires die in the busyness of life ("I may have died in a land-side of the rocks and hopes and fears..."). Sometimes the Lord's future plan for your life might not look like the normal future for the average suburban college kid. And I understand one must find a job for responsibility sake if one has a family and just for income sake, but why not even pursue your dreams as a hobby even? When one stops allowing our affections to be stirred and our souls to become full, we become discontent and we simply float through life, feeling nothing, but only going through the motions.

As our conversation slowly died, we became enraptured by the dark road and the music that hummed and rested in the moment of our youth and the Lord's goodness and workings in our lives thus far. My thoughts soon began to drift away onto our conversation, the past few weeks of confusion, and how my stubbornness can leaves me so often utterly blind and in a haze.

Multiple people keep telling me that God is not limited by my major, and I mentally know that, but I am now trying to stop my soul from futilely wrestling with His hand and knowing that He already knows what the path ahead of me holds and that regardless of my major, or any decision I must make, that He is not limited by it. All I have to do is pursue Him and all else will fall into place.

Taste and see that He is good today. Seize every moment. Rest in who He is and who He has called you to be.

Madi Mae

"And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you." Luke 12:22-31

Secret Passages

First off, let me just start this off with a little quote from one of my favorite writers and I haven't even finished her first book:

"To all the secret writers, late-night painters, would-be singers, lapsed and scared artists of every stripe, dig out your paintbrush, or your flute, or your dancing shoes. Pull out your camera or your computer or your pottery wheel. Today, tonight, after the kids are in bed or when your homework is done, or instead of one more video game or magazine, create something, anything.

Pick up a needle and thread, and stitch together something particular and honest and beautiful, because we need it. I need it.

Thank you, and keep going."

uhh, Hello Shauna Niequiest. Obsessed, truly. I'm pretty sure she just jumped inside my brain and formed every thought I had, plus some, but could never put onto paper.

Anywho, back to other news.

As a child, I always wanted to find a secret door, a secret passage way to an alternate universe. One with more colors, candy, and stuff animals that could even be described. I would crawl as a child under my bed and pop out on the other side, imagining I had made it. I had made it through to my alternate, dream-like, universe; however, I had not even left the premises of my room. I was only standing on the opposite side of my room and looking at it all with new eyes of excitement and wonder.

In my mind, my simple bedroom room had become a world of magic and colors. Everything was brighter, clearer. Even though I don't necessarily crawl under my bed to find my "hidden door" anymore, the precious thought that maybe, someday, I'll find my real secret door haunts my soul and hangs in the back of my mind. It lingers in the back of my still child-like mind, creating in me a longing for an escape to that world.

One day, I'll just venture into my college class or into a coffee shop, and the floor will just open up and swallow me whole. I'll fall and fall and fall, just like Alice in Wonderland, minus all the crazies in the story. (Was I the only one throughly creeped out by that Walrus!?!?) Or maybe, I'll see a little tunnel hidden inside a book in the library and like a vortex, I'll be sucked in, never to return.

But, maybe I'm looking for my secret passage of escape in all the wrong places. Maybe I've been given my "new eyes" to see the world through, and I'm just not utilizing them. Maybe my world full of colors and wonder is not so hidden after all. Maybe...it's all right before my eyes.

What if God, in all His amazing power and wonder, in all His might and majesty, in all His love and mercy, is my secret passage. My secret passage to joy and fulfillment and life and love and laughter and colors and beauty. My Secret Passage has been set before me, but I've been too wrapped in my own world looking for my non-existent faux version, I've missed it all. God offers us to see the world through his eyes. To see joy and excitement and this blend of love, grace, and this beautiful thing called forgiveness that has a magic of its own. To see His fingerprints on every surface of our lives. To see a secret passage way in a rich black cup of coffee. To see a hidden door in a deep and loving conversation. To see a hideaway in laughter and a simple hanging out. To see His goodness in a beautiful sunrise. To see the world through His eyes opens up an entire new world to us, as believers. He is and has invited us into His secret passage that isn't so secret, but we are so finding our own ways of escape, we miss it. We become so consumed with our form of release, rather it be school, friends, or boys or depression or self-images or whatever, we miss what He has invited us into.

So now I look for God. I look for God and His hidden doors. I still look for my hole in the ground, and my vortex in the library, but I know they are going to come in different forms than I normally expect. Everyday life is singed from His touch and the immeasurable beauty of who He is. I just have to use His eyes to find them and see His glory.

May you live every day seeking and finding His secret passages.

And may you life like a lily among the thorns.

Madi Mae

Be Still

Whoa. College.

I am here and am loving it.

Everything is so new, so fresh, so...peaceful.

Due to this busy lifestyle of rush, sorority, classes, friends, dinners, studying, etc., I am feeling more and more overwhelmed with finding time with the Lord. Never in my life have I struggled to find time for the Lord. Sure, there were days I let slip by and I thought I was busy, but this is just a new level. With all of this busyness and hustle and bustle, I have yet to think and gather my thoughts on how my soul is handling college.

I came home tonight a little past midnight, deciding to go see friends the eve of my birthday than do lab homework (i.e. me sitting here typing this now, when I should be working on it haha), my roommate is now fast asleep and I am left alone with my thoughts, my Geography work, her snoring, and the Lord.

College life is sinking in.

I am loving it, but will I ever find that core group of girls that will keep me accountable? Call me out when I am a complete idiot? Will I find a church to call home? Will I even pass classes?

Whenever I felt bogged down these first 3 weeks of school, I here the Holy Spirit's gentle whisper to the depths of my soul, so my innermost workings.

"Be still and I AM God. "

That's it. Nothing else is more sufficient, more comforting than these words; however, I hadn't fully realized it until now.

This is a verse I had grown up hearing, and probably most church kids do. But I don't think I had ever dwelled on its meaning and implications before until now. As the Lord kept pounding me with this verse whenever I felt weighted, I knew in my head that I shouldn't worry that the Lord's got me, but I couldn't tell my heart and emotions that.

Now back to present, Geography.

All the random worries that I have felt sporadically and singularly the past 3 weeks came rushing past me like the gust of wind caused by a speeding train. In the back of my head, I kept hearing, "Be still, be still, be still..."

So then I decide to just listen to Psalms while I work on Geography, starting naturally with Psalm 46:

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.

He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
The Lord of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

It rocked my world. Such a short chapter, and one I have heard numerous times, began to hold a whole new meaning to me. God is an almighty, powerful, ferocious God. He is Protector, Healer, Father, Lover, Friend, Comforter, Deliverer, Redeemer, Savior, Listener, Counselor, Peace Maker. He is alive and well and He is here. If I were to just rest in this fact and rest in the knowledge of who He is and that He is my Creator, my worries and fear vanish in the light and wake of His infinite wonders.

So now, starting my 19th year being still and knowing He is God, and regardless of my day, He still reigns.

Goodnight, all. And may you be filled with His Spirit, love, and joy.

Madi Mae

p.s. I love the part of the verse where it says "He utters His voice, and the earth melts." AHH! Just stirs my soul, so much.

Identity Crisis: Take Two

Just when I think I've overcome my struggles with self-image and my identity, I get a slap in the face and the Holy Spirit reveals yet another element of my deep, dark soul that He is slowly turning into light, like His.

I recently went to Impact Retreat, which is a Christian freshman camp for incoming students at Texas A&M and the local community college in Cstat. Before the retreat, my mind was all over the place with worry and anxiety. No matter how hard I tried to surrender it to the Lord, my worries seemed to always win. To add to this, two nights before I left for the retreat, I remember laying in bed attempting sleep at 2 A.M., when I realized the most overwhelming fact of all: I have no clue who I am.

I had always considered my self to be a pretty "independent" person, relatively. Not really a follower of sorts. The peer-pressure to fit in by partaking in partying, or partying in general, has never been a struggle for me. My struggles look quite different from this. But because of this fact(and my pride), I just figured I was not a crowd follower, unlike others who do struggle with this. Well was I ever wrong (as usual haha).

As this revelation of my identity, or lack there of, hit me. I wanted to start sobbing; I am going to college, and I have no clue who I am, who to be, or even how to answer these questions. I have been who people have wanted me to be, or rather, who I thought people expected me to be.

At home, I have always felt pressure to be the "easy-child," the one who is passive, and doesn't argue much and is always cheerful. So thus, even when I was upset, I felt like I couldn't show it. With certain people, I felt that since I often have a random/cheesy sense of humor, I had to suppress it, unsure if they would shun me because of they thought I was "weird" or "different." At church, I felt like I had to be this girl who knew all the answers and was always put together (ironically, I go to a church that often states, "It's okay to not be okay, just don't stay there." So where I got this feeling, who even knows.) The list could go on. Because of all these things and more, I have often felt awkward, anxious, and unsure in many situations, waiting to judge the people around me to know on how to act and not act.

Fast forward now to my drive to College Station on my way to Impact Retreat. I was incredibly nervous the whole ride down, unsure of what to expect. As I drove the 3 hours though from Dallas to Cstat, I had this question and all these thoughts in the back of mind, trying to figure out which one of these situations I had felt most like myself, most at home. I realized it was at Kanakuk. At Kanakuk Kamps I feel like myself, and that has been the only time. At Kanakuk, I never put pressure to be someone else other than Madison Mae Parker, who God created me to be. The question still remained though; why?

When I finally arrive at the actual camp site of Impact, we have a church session taught by Ben Stuart. His first topic of the four day trip? Identity. I laughed silently to myself at God and His perfect timing. In moments like those, I can just picture God smiling from above, saying, "I know. Pretty cool, right?" haha. Love it. Anywho, Ben Stuart is an amazing speaker and its' a gift from God, truly. After the church service, we play some games for a while, until midnight, when they offer an optional praise and worship time out in a field with just an acoustic guitar and hardly any lights, millions of stars, and the wonderful sound of crickets and trees rustling. Beautiful. Truly.

I head down to the field and as soon as I look up and see the millions of stars, I am left speechless in awe of His creation. I lay down on my back as I look at the stars. I then began to dwell on the question that had been gnawing on me for the past few days and Ben's talk from that night.

Then I heard it, heard Him. As gently as the wind, but as clear and loud as any microphone could produce.

"You are Mine. That's it. That's it....Nothing else matters."

That's it. It seems so simple. But I had missed it all along. All those times I felt awkward and out of place, out of touch with myself and others, was because I was not putting my self worth in Him, but in all the other things that don't matter and will fade away. I said lightly to myself,

"I am Madison Mae Parker, a bond servant of Christ. The end."

In that moment, I felt so entirely free. I felt as if I had been on the bottom of a dog-pile and all of the people I had tried so hard for so long to impress, and suddenly retreated from laying on my chest as I coughed and wheezed for air. For the rest of the retreat, and even till now, I still feel this freedom. Yes, I have already caught myself trying to think about what others are thinking about it, but quickly remember that His opinion is the only one that matters. My reputation, my grades, my friends, my family, only His matters. The end. Case closed.

I am His and He is mine.

"Listen to me, O coastlands,

and give attention, you peoples from afar.

The LORD called me from the womb,

from the body of my mother he named my name.

He made my mouth like a sharp sword;

in the shadow of his hand he hid me;

he made me a polished arrow;

in his quiver he hid me away.

And he said to me, 'You are my servant,

Israel, in whom I will be glorified.'"

Isaiah 49:1-3 ESV

May you walk in a way that is pleasing to the Lord, remembering that you are His, like a lily among the thorns (Song of Solomon 2:2)

Jigsaw Puzzle

I like puzzles.

They are so enjoyable and relaxing. Call me an old lady, but I do love them. Hand me a big mug of good, strong black coffee and a nice hard puzzle and I have hours of entertainment.

But I am slowly realizing life is like a puzzle. My life, your life, our life together.

As human beings, we try to "plan" our own future. In junior high, we imagine ourselves as this glamorous high school student who is dating the star of the football team, just like on T.V. In high school, we picture our mature, adult college-self on the dean's list, majoring in philosophy, or creative writing. We picture ourselves meeting a handsome young man with a heart for the Lord and a smile that kills. You would marry your young handsome man fresh out of college, or at least by the age of 25. You would wait a few years to have kids, leaving plenty of time to travel the world together. Soon after you would settle down and start having kids. Three, maybe four, named Liam, Teddy, Jacson, and Ivy. Our life is full of planning; it's a wonder how we ever accomplish anything while dwelling so much on the future.

We plan all of these fantastic things for ourselves, but what happens when our plans only dissolve and disintegrate in the hectic life of the unsympathetic world. What happens if you are still single upon college graduation? Human tendency is to rail our fist at God. "How dare He not give me the things I deserve? I've been a good person. I've served in the church. I've never partied in college. The least He could do is send me a man! Susie SoAndSo slept around all through college and she already has a godly guy! It's just not fair!" Two problems with this concept. One: God never promised us anything. Nor does He owe us for anything. Just because we are "good" people, does not mean we have the right everything we desire and more. The second problem with this is we don't want God to be fair; if God was fair, none of us would be living, breathing right now. By His common grace, I am able to breathe in and out. I am able to type the words on this keyboard, and you are able to read my blog. Even the ability to read and understand languages is an example of His grace. We all deserve death. Right. Now. We all know we deserve hell after we die, but many of us don't realize we are deserving of hell in the present, the current. We serve God, not because of the things He provides for us (health, nutrition, housing, etc. and even though He does provide those things for us), we serve God because He.Is.God. Plain and simple. Nothing compares to Him. Take all those temporary things away, and He is still God.

But anyways, back to my analogy of the puzzle. Sorry for the tangent. haha.

When we try to plan our own life, it is like a four year old trying to shove a piece into a puzzle that doesn't fit, doesn't belong. No matter which way he turns the piece, it will never fit. Shoot! Who knows if the piece even has a place in the puzzle at all!

The point is this: God has all the puzzle pieces. Each and everyone. And day by day, He is adding a piece to my puzzle, your puzzle. It may be a special memory, a simple laugh, a new revelation about His character, or something as simple as getting up and going to work, or as hard as loosing a loved one. Whatever the puzzle piece looks like, He knows what the final product should, and will look like and when exactly to add it (Phil. 1:6). And every piece is for His glory, and in the end should reflect His glorious face.

So here's the question: Are you going to let God gently fill in your puzzle, so that in the end your picture might be complete and whole?

Or are you going to push, shove and fight God the entire way, trying to turn His picture into your own?

Decisions yours.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:25-34 ESV)