Change, Confessions, and This Little Thing Called Faith and Purple Rugs

Freshman year is over. I have already said goodbye to majority of my closest friends. All who remain is my dear friend Moriah. Thankfully, she likes to snuggle too, which works out well since we live in the same dorm complex.

I really dislike change and ending freshman year qualifies as change. Yes, I know every year is a change, but this has been the best year of my life. Not because college is so great (I mean, don't get me wrong, it is), but because of how much God has done in me and in my loved ones this year in Rudder 434. Because of those precious friendships I made that I will carry with me past college and beyond.. Those lovely, God- fearing souls who love on me when I am sobbing over nothing and who laugh with me as I make cat-noises in public.

Oh (not-so) Rowdy Rudder 434.

D'Ann, my roommate, left me alone in tears a few days ago as left. I now sit here under her lofted bed, as we did so many nights. Now, the purple rug that we would draw on is gone. The green bean bag that practically became our next ligament, your guitar in the back corner, with my side of the room being pilled up with mess. Gone. But all the memories still remain. I don't know how many times we cried on that rug. How many times we scream, "THIS SUCKS! But Gosh...I know God is good." How many times we would pop in Gilmore Girl or an old Disney classic and just sit on that rug. How many times our friends would come in and collapse in tears on that one little rug.

Now my stuff is packed up, ready to go, and I'm sitting on the floor of what was once home, but will never be again, eating Jin's Asian Cafe (delivery of course), and tt's raining. It fits my mood.

I'm so incredibly ecstatic for this summer (WORKING AT KANAKUK! WHOOOPPP!), but this whole middle process of packing up and going and then packing up from kamp to here, it's all too much. I already miss my friends so much, but this change is different. This change is scarier. This change is harder.

I have no promise that next year will be as awesome as this year. I have no promise of any of that. And I never have had that promise, but this year taught me what real,true, beautiful, raw life can look like. And I don't ever want to go back.

So here I must confess: I am afraid of the unknown. Despite all I have trusted God through (or more or less, all He has brought me through that has taught me to trust), I am still afraid. This is sin in my heart, I know. Instead of being fearful though, I am working on missing my friends and crying over their absence, yes, but in those tears, know why I am crying. I am crying because they were amazing blessings in my life. I am crying because of the absence of their laughter and wisdom in my life for a season. But God is going to do awesome things this summer, in all of our lives, and in all of the places He has sovereignly placed us. He is sending us out. I would rather keep us just a dorm floor apart, but He is sending us out. And I am learning to accept and love this and lean on His strong hand.

I heard Matt Chandler say once, "It's easy to forget what it's like to be cold when your warm. It's easy to forget what it's like to be empty when your full." The Lord is emptying my cup. I was poured into and poured into and poured into this year and He is pouring me out to be filled again.

So here's to change, confession, and this little thing called faith and purple rugs.

Over and out.

p.s. listen to this. I've been having it on repeat for a while now. n_n

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlL8LayF0uw

God's Glory Found in Language

purify--> remove contamination from

Pure--> not mixed or adulterated with any other substance/material

Purity--> freedom from contamination/adulteration

To be pure is not a one time thing, it is not something we are. Not one of these things says that, "once you've messed up...sorry." They are all referring to a separation or removal of contamination.

Purify--> our salvation as believers through Christ and the cross and His resurrection. By His death, He took upon Himself my sins and your sins, taking them to the grave and conquering death by His resurrection. This "removed contamination from" us. That does not mean that we are perfect, but when God the Father looks at us, He does not see our sin, but sees our purify selves through Christ's death.

Pure--> it is present tense, here-now. "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."

(Philippians 2:12-13 ESV)

Justification (the act of being made pure in the sight of God through Christ's death/resurrection) is a one time thing. This is when our new life begins, but does not stop there. That is where sanctification comes into play. Sanctification is a continually, slow process of becoming more and more in the image of Christ. It never stops, but it is continually, moment by moment surrendering to God and walking in the Spirit so that we may "not be mixed... with any other substance" because He should be our soul's sole love and desire.

Purity--> freedom from contamination. This is ongoing. Freedom. The chains of sin have been broken! This is a cause, an occasion for rejoicing!! For believers in Christ, we are free. We are not free on our own, but free through Christ, His blood, His wounds, His glorious resurrection.

This is all very random and short for my usual post, I know, but I was reading from 2 Cor 6 this morning and just started looking deeper into purity and thought this was pretty cool. I mean, God has interwoven even the definition of words and all the different languages of the world to point back to Him. That's just stickin' awesome.

Tis all! Have a great Monday, friends and rejoice in your freedom through Christ today!

p.s. sorry if there are a lot of mistakes in grammar, ect. I may or may notttt have written this during class.

Blurring the Lines of the Gospel/Grace and Fear/Complacency

What does it mean to really live above reproach?
Is it just not partying? Or does it mean you can "socially drink" (whatever that means) and it be okay still.. just as long as you won't get as drunk as some other girls and become a skank right? I mean, seriously, who would want to be called that? I mean, I'm sure it's okay if I listen to this one song. I mean, sure, it talks about things that I don't do, but since I am not actually doing them, it's fine.

The Lord has been teaching me a lot about living above reproach, and more than what our suburban lifestyles have called above "reproach." Let's think about how we, as southern American Christians define living in such a way: not drinking (too much at least), not having sex (but everything else is okay, right? I mean, I'm still pure and still a virgin technically), not cussing (but there are those special times that only one word can fit there!), not dirty dancing (but, everyone else is doing it...so what else am I supposed to do? stand there awkwardly on the side?), and some how i feel like getting a college degree has been thrown into this mix as well.

All I see when I think and read about that is a list of things not to do, which leaves us with a big question of, "So...What do we do then?"
And trust me, I am far from spotlessness when it comes to that list...I listen to songs that are not healthy for my soul. I judge girls by their looks. I cuss in frustration...or just because I can. I am far from purity and living above reproach.

But why do I let myself think these things are okay just because I don't have sex, I don't drink, and I watch my tongue for the most part. This is dumb and foolish and childish.

This would be like little Timmy Joe being rebuked by his parents because he stuck his hand in the wall socket when his mom told him not to versus him sticking a pencil in the socket. His mom is still going to tell him not touch the socket, but little Timmy will only reply, "you only told me not to stick my hand in the socket! I put a pencil in the socket! AND!!! I picked up my toys earlier." That excuse will not get Timmy by. He will still be in trouble for sticking his hand/pencil in the socket, but out of love because the parent doesn't want the child to be hurt. Both are equally dangerous for Timmy, both will hurt him, he just doesn't realize it. He only justifies his actions because he wants to continue them, but just finds a "less dangerous" path to reach his intended goal.

"Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel." Philippians 1:27 ESV

"let our manner of life be worth of the Gospel of Christ." What does that mean? What is the Gospel, specifically the Gospel of Christ?

For the majority of us, I'm assuming that we have all grown up in church, heard the Gospel and Jesus' story and all of the other stories in the Bible countless times; in fact, we've heard them so many times, they've lost their flavor and life. All we think of them as is stories. The people in them are no longer real people, but stories to make us feel better and to tell our children.

Let's recap the Gospel real quick:

"For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures, and that he appeared to Cephas, then to the twelve. Then he appeared to more than five hundred brothers at one time, most of whom are still alive, though some have fallen asleep. Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles. Last of all, as to one untimely born, he appeared also to me." 1 Corinthians 1: 3-9 ESV

Let's think about this...CHRIST. DIED. for YOUR sins. Yes. Mine, yours, hers and his. Died. For the bulk of us, I am going to say we are probably afraid of death and probably can't think of one person we would die for this instant if they could live longer, not even our loved ones. And especially those who are rude to us. (Rude being a light term in comparison to the "rudeness" to those who killed Christ). The death Christ died was not a typical death. We aren't talking car crash, drowning, natural causes. We are talking the most brutal death ever imaginable.

"Nail pierced hands, bleeding side, His body bruised. My God crucified.

Crown of thorns, dying cries, His flesh was torn.

My God crucified. Hallelujah! What a Savior!" -- The Village Church- In My Place (song)

Let that weight sit on you for a bit. Don't just skim over it. Sit in that.

But his death didn't end there. "Death couldn't hold You down!" (Hillsong United)

He conquered death! Not only rose from the dead, but over 500 people saw Him living. Physically saw Him in the flesh after His death and resurrection. Do you feel the impact of that.

This is a mighty God we serve.

This is glory of the Gospel. That Christ came to save sinners who mocked Him, spitted on Him. We were the one's who hung Him there, and He died regardless for God's glory and our salvation and reconciliation.

How easily we forget what we are called to though. Who we are called to.

We are not just called away from something (sin), but we are called to Someone. A Great Someone. The Creator of the Universe.

Disregarding who He is and not taking advantage of who He is is like someone handing you the keys to Disney World. You have the entire park to yourself: rides, food, shows, etc. Yet, you walk in and sit on a bench all day. And you return the next day and do the same. You don't take advantage of the gift someone's given you.

Are we living a life that is worthy of this life? This Gospel? Can people reallllyyy tell that we are different? Especially on the campus of Texas A&M when probably 70% of the campus would at least call themselves "Christians," or at the least say they are a "good" person and believe in God. On a campus that is already highly morale, we must step out and be above reproach. Truly.

Who did Christ hang out with? We all know the answer: The prostitutes. The drunkards. The tax collectors (probably would have been like ex felons to us). But what does that look like here? What would Christ be doing if He was a student at A&M? (Yes, I know. I'm pulling the W.W.J.D. card.)

Today, as most of you know I am sure, an article was written about students who are strippers at our school who have used strip dancing to pay their way through schools. Most of the reactions I heard across campus were: "Oh my gosh! Students at our campus?! Can you believe it?! Crazy! I can't believe they would do something like that! Gross!

When I read the paper, I couldn't honestly put my feelings into words. I was shocked because it is just not something we usually think about; however, mostly, I just fell compassion and hurt for these girls that feel they must put their minds and bodies through this kind of work to reach their goals. The mind games and broken hearts they must feel. No paper can give us true sentiments of what they go through. And all though the paper gave a slightly more positive light on the paper, I very much appreciated that the paper did not once condemn the girls, but simply told their story. These girls need Christ too. These girls are loved by Christ too. And I am not saying this because the girls are terrible people and we must go on some Christian riot to try to save all the strippers. Far from it. I am trying to just simply point out that we are lacking compassion and perspective. These girls are in need. Just like kids in Africa are in need. Just like we are in need. We are all in need of a Great Savior. We are so quick to simply think globally though because it is the new trendy Christian thing (which is not bad at all to think globally, it is very important too), but often, we forget to look locally. We forget where God has placed us, and placed us for a reason.

The reactions I heard today broke me. I didn't know why at first either. But then the Spirit convicted. Not one person even cared to know these girls' hearts or love on them. Not one. And yet, for the most part, they all claimed Christ. If we are claiming Christ, what are we doing to hold strongly to His name and represent His name well?

"All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:18-21 ESV

We are his ambassadors, His representatives. We want to represent our organizations well, our schools, our families, but do we have this same desire for Christ? This same passion for reconciliation of others? Please do not view this post of me wagging my finger at the world. This is simply my plea to my fellow sisters and brothers in Christ because I saw such a wicked sin in my own life today that broke me. I am crying for us to step up to the plate the Bible so clearly lays out is what the true Christian life is to look like. We need to be a people of love and truth. A people of grace and wisdom. A people worthy of Christ's name and reconciliation.

May we live in the weight and glory of the Gospel of Christ

D.) All of the Above.

"This is my prayer in the desert when all that's within me feels dry.
This is my prayer in my hunger and need.
My Godis a God who provides...
All of my life, in every season, You are still God.
I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship."

Well first off, let me start off with stating:
1.) I apologize for my lack of blogging as of late, I'll soon wrap up the last month and a half.
2.) The above quote is from Hillsong and has been my striving, lifeline stanza to remind myself of my hope and sanity.
3.) God is freakin' Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. (CLICK THE LINK! read the definition according to wiki, it's kinda cool).
4.) see blog for more information.


Well, this past month has consisted of the following (I apologize for my obsessiveness with lists): crazy college finals week, which the Lord did REDIC stuff, nice little trip with the famzies, 14 hour car ride with 16 friends to Atlanta, Georgia for the Passion Conference, moving back to Cstat, and starting up Round 2 of freshman year.
I feel like a century has past by me since finals week.
Well, technically a decade, but....that's besides the point.

So finals week was basically a taste of what I want my entire life, being, essence, soul, etc. to look like, feel like, taste like. I know, sounds crazy, right? Finals week? That's supposedly every sane, normal college kids nightmare (well, it's a known fact I am hardly sane, or normal so those are obz out the window). However, my finals week experience was probably unlike many others. Every dead day and many finals days/nights were spent with different people comforting, loving, and supporting them as they weeped and yelled and questioned in frustration. During this time, none of these sad events directly affected, but many of my close friends. It was a week that, in normal, world-eyes would have been viewed as a week of, pardon my french, hell. Having to baby people as they cry on your shoulders about problems that have nothing to do with you? Staying up till all hours of the night when you should be getting adequate rest for your "important" tests that you won't even remember taking ten years from now? please. I however, loved every waking minute. I saw through the true brokenness that is sin. All its bumps, bruises, and dried blood it leaves on its victims. Beautiful. Because behind all of the gruesome moments, awful secrets, mourning hearts was a Savior, a Spirit, a Dad, walking, watching, whispering through it all.

So this was my finals week. A week where I should have naturally felt so drained, so tired, so in need of rest, but felt so filled, refreshed, renewed with a new glance and perspective on who He is and what He is all about.

Fast forward to new years. January 1-4. ATL.

GOGOGOGO! I don't care where you live, if you are between 18-25, you better get your tookus over to Passion! There is another one happening in DFW April 1-3. Go. Promise, you won't regret it.

It wasn't so much the speakers or the worship or anyone of that so much. It was the Spirit and the children of God coming together for only one purpose in mind: to make His name known. Yes, the worship was legit. Yes, the speakers were awesome.
But you put 22,000 college aged kids together who are passionate about seeking after His name? The Spirit answers.
Being engrossed with that much knowledge and that much passion in such a short time was overwhelming in the best way possible. It reminded me that God is not a God of College Station, Texas or Texas or the United States even, but He is a God of the world. At one point, a young girl who had come to Passion from China prayed over us in Chinese, which was AWESOME! Seems dumb or cheezy, whatever, but there was such power and majesty behind it. We are in this together. I am apart of something so much bigger than myself. Bigger than I can ever imagine.

So that was Passion.


A week later, I'm anxious to get back to Cstat and see everyone, desiring to see finals week again. See brokenness and restoration.
I didn't find that.
I found that everything seemed pretty and shiny again.
So very unreal. intangible. inadequate.
I wanted the depth, beauty, and rawness I saw my last week of first semester. It seemed that over the break, everyone magically healed themselves and no longer needed to be known.
It felt lonely.
I desire to know others and be known. Not because I'm awesome. Oh so very far from it. But because my soul craves that because I am designed that way.
So, today. Saturday, January 22, 2011. My roommate, D'Ann and I have a breakdown.

She walked through finals week with me and we both were on this same page together.
We decided our souls needed nutella, cookie dough, coloring books, pastels, and a park. So we did just that.
Naturally, it being end of January, we didn't stay long in the park, but fleshed our emotions out in Laverne, her car. As we sat there, both feeling so confused and alone, knowing God had us here for a reason, knowing He has something planned, knowing all these things, but not knowing how to get there and get out of this dry desert.
"So this is my prayer in the desert"
We yelled.
We sat in silence.
We ate.
We talked about the possibility of transferring.
I might have hit her dash a few times.


In essence, we mourned and sat confused, yearning for the beautiful life and growth we saw in finals week that has evaporated into thin air, but fully in surrender to whatever comes next.

Then just as our convo came to a close, I got a text from a precious girl I met at Passion and told D'Ann she MUST meet. Bingo, we got to hangout. Not that anything just super crazy town happened or 100 thousand people got saved or whatever, but depth happened. Water was found in a desert.

I returned to my dorm room with D'Ann, standing in awe, not able to put into words how I feel. Just wanting to scream like Natalie Portman and Zack Braff do in Garden State or wanting to just dance and sing Disney songs at the top of my lungs. I felt free and like a kid again.

So these have been my emotions of craziness that has been my life the past month.


A.) "So here I rest where disappointment and regret collide." Waiting seasons and brokenness.
B.) "It's the darkest side of my heart that dies when You come to me." Peace and Restoration.
C.) Umm...What in the world, God!?!?!?! hahahah, but I am loving every minute of it.
D.) All of the above.


P.s.
Earlier, as D'Ann and I fumed in our frustration, I mentioned, "I feel crazy. Does no one else feel this away? Feel alone and confused and so very, very empty?"

I realize though. I am crazy, but I am not. You are crazy, but not. We are all on this crazy mixed up world, trying to figure out life and who He is and pursue it all, but all we can and need to pursue is Him.
We are not crazy. We are just crazy in love with someone even more crazy in love with us.

Glorified Gospels

I want to go to Africa.
But for so many selfish reasons.
Yes, to serve people and show them the love of Christ is up there, and probably number one; however, reason #2 through however-many shouldn't even exist.

My sole purpose should be to glorify Him and love on people to show them His greatness.

Yet, I find myself wanting to go because it has some how recently become the "cool" thing, the "trendy" thing, if you will.
And yes, I do feel called to missions (whether state side or out of state, we'll see where He takes me) (and I know, any job I have is a "mission" field, but that's not what I mean, my heart yearns for something else), but along the way, my own feelings have gotten wrapped up in it.

So Africa. I want to go. But why?
Because Africa's trendy.
It's awful, my flesh. People are dying of starvation, curable diseases, and HIV daily, and I want to go for my reputation.

With my new church in College Station, there is an opportunity for me to go to Guatemala over spring break this Spring.
When I first heard about it, I simply tossed it aside thinking about my already-oh-so-set-in-stone spring break plans that I had made with my sorority sisters without leaving room for Christ. Surely Christ's plan for me would be to go do the easy thing and bond with my sister! Yes, and this might be the case for me, but I decided this for myself before I could ever listen to His Word. Later on the sermon, my pastor, Allen, said something about how in America it is so easy to limit God to our standard. We want to fit God into what seems acceptable, comfortable for our American lifestyles. God, heal this person. God, do this. God, do that. God, what school do I go to? God, what guy should I date? blah.blah, blah. We don't allow God to be God. We don't ask, "God, what's next?" "What do You want me to do?"
So right then and there I prayed, "God, give me big dreams, Your dreams.."

(Note to self: Think before you pray haha)

Later on that night, I was up late studying for my test the next morning when I heard Him loud and clear, "You have to play big when you dream big. Guatemala."

"That wasn't you, God. Nope. Nuh-Uh Um..that was just a random thought in my head. Yep. that is all."
You know the mind games. So, trying to "trick" God, I asked, "Okay, God. If that was realllllllly You, show me again."

Silence.
He had told me once. He knew I heard Him. He let me sit in that, almost like a parent giving you the silent treatment when you know you've screwed up.

I wanted to go have fun on spring break and be a 19 yr old college student. I wanted to go to the beach, not Guatemala. If anything, couldn't God open up a trip to Africa, or even China?! Guatemala doesn't need Jesus, come on!

Yep, there in lies my filthy awful sin. Guatemala does not carry the beautiful glam, so I refuse to go.

So, I waited, stubborn as always. Waiting for Him to pop out of the sky screaming, "MADI, I NEED YOU TO GO!!!!!! GO TO GUATEMALA!!!"

Again, my pride.
God does not need me in Guatemala. God has simply commanded me to go. [Matthew 28:19-20 "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."]
God can use any Joe-Shmoe in Guatemala or in College Station or in my dorm building or in my sorority. He does not need me. He will use any ready and willing vessel, but does not even need a vessel to use. He simply invites us to play and uses us, in spite of us.

So flash forward 3 weeks ish. a.k.a. Today.
I get to have the most WONDERFUL catch-up-on-life conversation with my dear, precious friend, Hannah Jordan. She is a tremendous blessing in my life and the Lord continue to uses her in mighty ways. I'm not quite sure what I would do without you, friend.
Anywho, I put off telling her about this opportunity knowing her well enough and what she would say. But finally, I knew I had too. So I explained my emotions and the opportunity, the pros-cons, and all the x's and o's in between that my overdrive brain had thought of.
She listened and was patient and at the end peered and prodded and she asked me the tough questions.

Finally her verdict:
"Madi, you need to go."

Exactly what I needed to hear and didn't quite want to. She is great at calling me out on stuff. I'm so prideful and stubborn, I need to be just given a command sometimes.

So, I called my mom. Briefly told her in a 10 minute conversation as I rushed in late to my chapter meeting and throwing in at the end, "Oh yea! They need to know by this Wednesday! Bye!"
haha. Story of my life, what else is new? :P

So, I took the first step.
Who knows if I am going, but the Lord has been gracious and has softened my heart to His will, as He always does. Now, I am excited, and am hopeful my parents say yes; however, I know regardless, it is in the Lord's hands and for right now, I am under my parents hand and need to respect their decisions. I have done my part, I have stepped out in faith and made myself available and may He do with it as He wish.

Here I rest, waiting paitently for His call and serve gloriously for Him in my dorm, in my sorority, and in my school. I do not need Africa for that. Maybe one day, but not now.

Jeremiah 20:9 "If I say, 'I will not mention Him, or speak any more in His name,' there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot."





p.s. on a lighter note, look at this.
18 days till Christmas!