Identity Crisis: Take Two

Just when I think I've overcome my struggles with self-image and my identity, I get a slap in the face and the Holy Spirit reveals yet another element of my deep, dark soul that He is slowly turning into light, like His.

I recently went to Impact Retreat, which is a Christian freshman camp for incoming students at Texas A&M and the local community college in Cstat. Before the retreat, my mind was all over the place with worry and anxiety. No matter how hard I tried to surrender it to the Lord, my worries seemed to always win. To add to this, two nights before I left for the retreat, I remember laying in bed attempting sleep at 2 A.M., when I realized the most overwhelming fact of all: I have no clue who I am.

I had always considered my self to be a pretty "independent" person, relatively. Not really a follower of sorts. The peer-pressure to fit in by partaking in partying, or partying in general, has never been a struggle for me. My struggles look quite different from this. But because of this fact(and my pride), I just figured I was not a crowd follower, unlike others who do struggle with this. Well was I ever wrong (as usual haha).

As this revelation of my identity, or lack there of, hit me. I wanted to start sobbing; I am going to college, and I have no clue who I am, who to be, or even how to answer these questions. I have been who people have wanted me to be, or rather, who I thought people expected me to be.

At home, I have always felt pressure to be the "easy-child," the one who is passive, and doesn't argue much and is always cheerful. So thus, even when I was upset, I felt like I couldn't show it. With certain people, I felt that since I often have a random/cheesy sense of humor, I had to suppress it, unsure if they would shun me because of they thought I was "weird" or "different." At church, I felt like I had to be this girl who knew all the answers and was always put together (ironically, I go to a church that often states, "It's okay to not be okay, just don't stay there." So where I got this feeling, who even knows.) The list could go on. Because of all these things and more, I have often felt awkward, anxious, and unsure in many situations, waiting to judge the people around me to know on how to act and not act.

Fast forward now to my drive to College Station on my way to Impact Retreat. I was incredibly nervous the whole ride down, unsure of what to expect. As I drove the 3 hours though from Dallas to Cstat, I had this question and all these thoughts in the back of mind, trying to figure out which one of these situations I had felt most like myself, most at home. I realized it was at Kanakuk. At Kanakuk Kamps I feel like myself, and that has been the only time. At Kanakuk, I never put pressure to be someone else other than Madison Mae Parker, who God created me to be. The question still remained though; why?

When I finally arrive at the actual camp site of Impact, we have a church session taught by Ben Stuart. His first topic of the four day trip? Identity. I laughed silently to myself at God and His perfect timing. In moments like those, I can just picture God smiling from above, saying, "I know. Pretty cool, right?" haha. Love it. Anywho, Ben Stuart is an amazing speaker and its' a gift from God, truly. After the church service, we play some games for a while, until midnight, when they offer an optional praise and worship time out in a field with just an acoustic guitar and hardly any lights, millions of stars, and the wonderful sound of crickets and trees rustling. Beautiful. Truly.

I head down to the field and as soon as I look up and see the millions of stars, I am left speechless in awe of His creation. I lay down on my back as I look at the stars. I then began to dwell on the question that had been gnawing on me for the past few days and Ben's talk from that night.

Then I heard it, heard Him. As gently as the wind, but as clear and loud as any microphone could produce.

"You are Mine. That's it. That's it....Nothing else matters."

That's it. It seems so simple. But I had missed it all along. All those times I felt awkward and out of place, out of touch with myself and others, was because I was not putting my self worth in Him, but in all the other things that don't matter and will fade away. I said lightly to myself,

"I am Madison Mae Parker, a bond servant of Christ. The end."

In that moment, I felt so entirely free. I felt as if I had been on the bottom of a dog-pile and all of the people I had tried so hard for so long to impress, and suddenly retreated from laying on my chest as I coughed and wheezed for air. For the rest of the retreat, and even till now, I still feel this freedom. Yes, I have already caught myself trying to think about what others are thinking about it, but quickly remember that His opinion is the only one that matters. My reputation, my grades, my friends, my family, only His matters. The end. Case closed.

I am His and He is mine.

"Listen to me, O coastlands,

and give attention, you peoples from afar.

The LORD called me from the womb,

from the body of my mother he named my name.

He made my mouth like a sharp sword;

in the shadow of his hand he hid me;

he made me a polished arrow;

in his quiver he hid me away.

And he said to me, 'You are my servant,

Israel, in whom I will be glorified.'"

Isaiah 49:1-3 ESV

May you walk in a way that is pleasing to the Lord, remembering that you are His, like a lily among the thorns (Song of Solomon 2:2)

Jigsaw Puzzle

I like puzzles.

They are so enjoyable and relaxing. Call me an old lady, but I do love them. Hand me a big mug of good, strong black coffee and a nice hard puzzle and I have hours of entertainment.

But I am slowly realizing life is like a puzzle. My life, your life, our life together.

As human beings, we try to "plan" our own future. In junior high, we imagine ourselves as this glamorous high school student who is dating the star of the football team, just like on T.V. In high school, we picture our mature, adult college-self on the dean's list, majoring in philosophy, or creative writing. We picture ourselves meeting a handsome young man with a heart for the Lord and a smile that kills. You would marry your young handsome man fresh out of college, or at least by the age of 25. You would wait a few years to have kids, leaving plenty of time to travel the world together. Soon after you would settle down and start having kids. Three, maybe four, named Liam, Teddy, Jacson, and Ivy. Our life is full of planning; it's a wonder how we ever accomplish anything while dwelling so much on the future.

We plan all of these fantastic things for ourselves, but what happens when our plans only dissolve and disintegrate in the hectic life of the unsympathetic world. What happens if you are still single upon college graduation? Human tendency is to rail our fist at God. "How dare He not give me the things I deserve? I've been a good person. I've served in the church. I've never partied in college. The least He could do is send me a man! Susie SoAndSo slept around all through college and she already has a godly guy! It's just not fair!" Two problems with this concept. One: God never promised us anything. Nor does He owe us for anything. Just because we are "good" people, does not mean we have the right everything we desire and more. The second problem with this is we don't want God to be fair; if God was fair, none of us would be living, breathing right now. By His common grace, I am able to breathe in and out. I am able to type the words on this keyboard, and you are able to read my blog. Even the ability to read and understand languages is an example of His grace. We all deserve death. Right. Now. We all know we deserve hell after we die, but many of us don't realize we are deserving of hell in the present, the current. We serve God, not because of the things He provides for us (health, nutrition, housing, etc. and even though He does provide those things for us), we serve God because He.Is.God. Plain and simple. Nothing compares to Him. Take all those temporary things away, and He is still God.

But anyways, back to my analogy of the puzzle. Sorry for the tangent. haha.

When we try to plan our own life, it is like a four year old trying to shove a piece into a puzzle that doesn't fit, doesn't belong. No matter which way he turns the piece, it will never fit. Shoot! Who knows if the piece even has a place in the puzzle at all!

The point is this: God has all the puzzle pieces. Each and everyone. And day by day, He is adding a piece to my puzzle, your puzzle. It may be a special memory, a simple laugh, a new revelation about His character, or something as simple as getting up and going to work, or as hard as loosing a loved one. Whatever the puzzle piece looks like, He knows what the final product should, and will look like and when exactly to add it (Phil. 1:6). And every piece is for His glory, and in the end should reflect His glorious face.

So here's the question: Are you going to let God gently fill in your puzzle, so that in the end your picture might be complete and whole?

Or are you going to push, shove and fight God the entire way, trying to turn His picture into your own?

Decisions yours.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:25-34 ESV)