D.) All of the Above.

"This is my prayer in the desert when all that's within me feels dry.
This is my prayer in my hunger and need.
My Godis a God who provides...
All of my life, in every season, You are still God.
I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship."

Well first off, let me start off with stating:
1.) I apologize for my lack of blogging as of late, I'll soon wrap up the last month and a half.
2.) The above quote is from Hillsong and has been my striving, lifeline stanza to remind myself of my hope and sanity.
3.) God is freakin' Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. (CLICK THE LINK! read the definition according to wiki, it's kinda cool).
4.) see blog for more information.


Well, this past month has consisted of the following (I apologize for my obsessiveness with lists): crazy college finals week, which the Lord did REDIC stuff, nice little trip with the famzies, 14 hour car ride with 16 friends to Atlanta, Georgia for the Passion Conference, moving back to Cstat, and starting up Round 2 of freshman year.
I feel like a century has past by me since finals week.
Well, technically a decade, but....that's besides the point.

So finals week was basically a taste of what I want my entire life, being, essence, soul, etc. to look like, feel like, taste like. I know, sounds crazy, right? Finals week? That's supposedly every sane, normal college kids nightmare (well, it's a known fact I am hardly sane, or normal so those are obz out the window). However, my finals week experience was probably unlike many others. Every dead day and many finals days/nights were spent with different people comforting, loving, and supporting them as they weeped and yelled and questioned in frustration. During this time, none of these sad events directly affected, but many of my close friends. It was a week that, in normal, world-eyes would have been viewed as a week of, pardon my french, hell. Having to baby people as they cry on your shoulders about problems that have nothing to do with you? Staying up till all hours of the night when you should be getting adequate rest for your "important" tests that you won't even remember taking ten years from now? please. I however, loved every waking minute. I saw through the true brokenness that is sin. All its bumps, bruises, and dried blood it leaves on its victims. Beautiful. Because behind all of the gruesome moments, awful secrets, mourning hearts was a Savior, a Spirit, a Dad, walking, watching, whispering through it all.

So this was my finals week. A week where I should have naturally felt so drained, so tired, so in need of rest, but felt so filled, refreshed, renewed with a new glance and perspective on who He is and what He is all about.

Fast forward to new years. January 1-4. ATL.

GOGOGOGO! I don't care where you live, if you are between 18-25, you better get your tookus over to Passion! There is another one happening in DFW April 1-3. Go. Promise, you won't regret it.

It wasn't so much the speakers or the worship or anyone of that so much. It was the Spirit and the children of God coming together for only one purpose in mind: to make His name known. Yes, the worship was legit. Yes, the speakers were awesome.
But you put 22,000 college aged kids together who are passionate about seeking after His name? The Spirit answers.
Being engrossed with that much knowledge and that much passion in such a short time was overwhelming in the best way possible. It reminded me that God is not a God of College Station, Texas or Texas or the United States even, but He is a God of the world. At one point, a young girl who had come to Passion from China prayed over us in Chinese, which was AWESOME! Seems dumb or cheezy, whatever, but there was such power and majesty behind it. We are in this together. I am apart of something so much bigger than myself. Bigger than I can ever imagine.

So that was Passion.


A week later, I'm anxious to get back to Cstat and see everyone, desiring to see finals week again. See brokenness and restoration.
I didn't find that.
I found that everything seemed pretty and shiny again.
So very unreal. intangible. inadequate.
I wanted the depth, beauty, and rawness I saw my last week of first semester. It seemed that over the break, everyone magically healed themselves and no longer needed to be known.
It felt lonely.
I desire to know others and be known. Not because I'm awesome. Oh so very far from it. But because my soul craves that because I am designed that way.
So, today. Saturday, January 22, 2011. My roommate, D'Ann and I have a breakdown.

She walked through finals week with me and we both were on this same page together.
We decided our souls needed nutella, cookie dough, coloring books, pastels, and a park. So we did just that.
Naturally, it being end of January, we didn't stay long in the park, but fleshed our emotions out in Laverne, her car. As we sat there, both feeling so confused and alone, knowing God had us here for a reason, knowing He has something planned, knowing all these things, but not knowing how to get there and get out of this dry desert.
"So this is my prayer in the desert"
We yelled.
We sat in silence.
We ate.
We talked about the possibility of transferring.
I might have hit her dash a few times.


In essence, we mourned and sat confused, yearning for the beautiful life and growth we saw in finals week that has evaporated into thin air, but fully in surrender to whatever comes next.

Then just as our convo came to a close, I got a text from a precious girl I met at Passion and told D'Ann she MUST meet. Bingo, we got to hangout. Not that anything just super crazy town happened or 100 thousand people got saved or whatever, but depth happened. Water was found in a desert.

I returned to my dorm room with D'Ann, standing in awe, not able to put into words how I feel. Just wanting to scream like Natalie Portman and Zack Braff do in Garden State or wanting to just dance and sing Disney songs at the top of my lungs. I felt free and like a kid again.

So these have been my emotions of craziness that has been my life the past month.


A.) "So here I rest where disappointment and regret collide." Waiting seasons and brokenness.
B.) "It's the darkest side of my heart that dies when You come to me." Peace and Restoration.
C.) Umm...What in the world, God!?!?!?! hahahah, but I am loving every minute of it.
D.) All of the above.


P.s.
Earlier, as D'Ann and I fumed in our frustration, I mentioned, "I feel crazy. Does no one else feel this away? Feel alone and confused and so very, very empty?"

I realize though. I am crazy, but I am not. You are crazy, but not. We are all on this crazy mixed up world, trying to figure out life and who He is and pursue it all, but all we can and need to pursue is Him.
We are not crazy. We are just crazy in love with someone even more crazy in love with us.