An Ode to Words and Writings.

So, I apologize for my lack of updates, yet again. I am not the best at this whole-let-me-sit-down-and-write-about-me thing (which is ironic considering I’m majoring in writing and everyone is all like “blablahbla. Write what you know.” And what I know is me.)

What I also know is that I love/hate relationship with words. Words are the starting point of everything. Every thought, idea, belief, starts with letter, formulating into words, which translates into questions, which then search for the answers, even they are never to be found. Our emotions find their way into words in our conscience, which are expressed into words or actions. People always say actions speak more than words, but maybe it is because we have lost touch with the art of words. The sacred concept of words. If we were given 100 words to utter our entire lives, that was it…what would we speak? Would we tell our loved ones how dear they are to us? Or would we get up and tell the world about global warming and how we need to recycle? Or would we try to go to our government and tell them how we think things should be run? Would we tell those that hurt us how we forgave them? We’ve lost the art of words.


Ah, I digress. Sorry, this blog is not about my rants, but about my life updates and travels. (not sure which is more boring, ha).

I think part of the reason my blog updates have been lackluster is the fact I am in a semi creative/writing slump. I know what you are thinking, “Madi…this is not the least bit creative? This is about your travels! Just simple life updates. The two should not correlate.”
Oh, but see this is where you are wrong, my dear friend.

I am the person that bottles everything. I can sit there, any day of the week, and hear other people’s issues, hearts, problems, fears, dreams, but when it comes to my own, I never know what to say. It’s not that I am afraid to tell them. No, on the contrary! I am quiet the open book! But, I never know how to express them. This is the issue. Writing and words is how I think, process. Without it, I am a seven year old’s double-scooped ice cream cone on a hot summer day in July.

I am terrible with words. I am hilarious on the Internet, but awkward and weird in real life. I can sound intelligent and artsy on paper, but sound like a buffoon if I’m ever asked to express something out loud. If someone asks me a deep question that hasn’t ever crossed my mind, I can take up to 10 minutes sitting in silence to formulate an actual response.

I have a love/hate relationship with words. I love the art form of words. The beauty and darkness they can elicit. The same word brings different emotions for each person. Scriptures even go to say that “death and life are in the power of the tongue...” (Proverbs 18:21).

Secretly, words scare me. They reveal the deepest parts of me if I allow them too. God uses them to vomit my soul into open, sucking all that’s inside out like a vacuum. Some people need alcohol to pour out their soul, others a shoulder to cry on, me? I need a pen and paper. This often terrifies me.

But back to the main subject: writing slump.
I’m in it. But not the “in it,” that Natalie Portman speaks of in Garden State when her co-star Zach Braff seems to be in some intense, internal life debates. I’m in the opposite of that. I’m in a city that should inspire art all around me, and yet I find myself starring at a blank computer screen and an empty journal pages, longing to put some type of beautiful poetry in front of me, only to later question if should chunk it completely because it sounds pretentious and/or cliché.

This is when the beat changes, however; I am slowly coming to a realization that maybe my slumps aren’t so bad after all. In the past, when I have been head over heels with what I have written, wanting the entire world to see it, like a proud mamma, it is when I am coming out of “it.” The “it” always varies. When my writings are booming and I can’t get enough on paper, I’ve just learned some great life lesson, had a life epiphany, finally decided to overcome some dreadful habit, decide to finally heal from something I never though possible, etc. You get the picture. But I’m always coming out of these “it” moments when I write marathons of words and works. Never in them. In them, I feel weighted, bogged down, completely unlike myself usually, always hidden by a cheerful façade though, naturally.

I’m usually able to pretty much pick out what the “it” is that I am in at the time, but not this time. And I am okay with that. It’s kind of nice not knowing because when I know, I always search for the way out; in the unknown, I just take each day at a time, waiting till the “it” wants to be found and comes searching for me.

Since arriving in London, I am learning more than I ever thought possible. I am learning things I never though I would need to know or have to learn. Or even more so, I am having to relearn many things as well. I don’t think I could put it all into words even if I tried. I am not even sure what the biggest lesson is or what over arching theme God is trying to teach me, but all I know is that I am in “it,” and somewhere, He is in the “it” with me. I am growing, and that is enough to last me through my writing slump. At the end of this current “it,” I know words will be found and writings will commence again. This gets me excited. So I continue on the “it” and stay up late drinking absurd amounts of juice (there is no coffee machine in my flat, sadly. I must resort to juice and tea), reading good books, and going on walks as often as possible, remembering all the while that God, the creator of words and good books and juice, knows my "it" front to back, side to side, and walks through "it" with me. This is how I survive the “its.”



And in other generic life update news:

1.) I am seeing the Shins live on Friday.
2.) I am going to see Wicked on Broadway on Thursday.
3.) I went to the Harry Potter walking tour tonight.

4.) The new Shins album came out today.
5.) I saw the Civil Wars live last week for free.
6.) I am going to Paris on the 31^st of this month.
7.) I leave for Budapest on April 9^th, beginning my 20 days of travels.
8.) I am working at Kanakuk K2 again this summer for 8 weeks!
9.) I will be done with school in two weeks.
10.) I just finished reading Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller. HIGHLY recommend it to people of all faiths. It does talk about God, yes, but it is a fantastic book regardless of what you believe. Get it. You won’t regret it.
11.) Bought and started Million Miles in a Thousand Years today. So pumped already.

Anywho, that’s it for now. Hope all is well in whatever country you find yourself in this fine night. :) Toodles!

Over and out,
Madi Mae

Recent Listenings:

Nothing Missing

Two months in. three to go. WHAT?

Before I get started on my last few weeks, here are some killer Scottish photos! :)

soooo anywho..This week has been extremely chill and laid back. Which has been just lovely. As was last week. On Wednesday, I went and saw Dry the River with the Jezebels which was epic. then come Friday, I SAW BEN HOWARD IN CONERT. He is completely phenomenal! Wow, like...his voice is even better in real life than on CD. Wow...I was completely giddy after. Top 5 concerts I've been to, by far. Also, bought tickets to see The Shins live in March. WHOO

Tuesday, I went to the Portobello Market with my friend from Brazil which was just lovely. I really want to go back on a Saturday when it is more hoppin'. But they had all these precious stalls open with cheap, vintage clothes and a ton of fresh fruits and vegetables!

(this is completely irrelevant, but my windows are currently open and someone is jamming out HARDCORE to Fresh Prince theme song outside....ANYWHOOOO)

Wednesday (yesterday), I went to see Zach Braff [insert major swoon-age here] starring in his new play All New People. SO GOOD. for all of you who loved Garden State. This is for you. Just brilliant. Hilarious, but still so beautiful. It had such great life truths and wisdom hidden within the play. I highly doubt Zach Braff is a Christian, but man...you can sure get some Christ centered truths from the play.

Tonight I am going to a bunch of small business art galleries around the dorms! :) whoo!

but anywho, back to my thoughts on the play:

There was this one scene of the play where Zach Braff's character (and I am probably going to butcher this...), but he is watching two ants fight over a poptart crumb and he just notices how silly it is for these two ants to be fighting over something so small. To these ants, this crumb means life and existence; they think they need it to survive. What they don't realize is that there is all these other crumbs and food bits everywhere, but they are too small to see it. They are too focused on their problem and fight to look around. Braff's character is saying all of this, and finally end his monologue with, "And then I wondered if this is how God views me and my decisions."

This is a wonderful thought. Sad, but so wonderfully beautiful. We spend our whole lives in toil and fights. Fighting for the right grades, the right relationships, the right job, internship, right salary...but are we fighting the right fights? What if God intended for us to work hard and to fight, but fight for love, for mercy, for forgiveness? What if we fought just as hard for justice and health as we did for wealth and fame? And I don't mean fame as in hollywood...but simple fame within our own circle of friends. The fame we seek as we try to win the approval of others, sometimes without even realizing how hard we are fighting for it.

Hmm.. if I am being honest, I don't know why people skirt around the topic and questions of God. We all have different beliefs about it...why ignore it though? Why act like we don't all question, all wonder? Why do we get angry even at the mere mention of some kind of deity? We make so many decisions and live choices, even behaviors around this topic. Why avoid it though? Even if you don't believe in God or even some form of higher being at all...you have at least pondered the thought of there being one. Everyone has; you can't deny that.

What is it though that makes us all questions the existence of some bigger life form? We don't believe in magic (the hocus-pocus Disney kind). We don't believe in super heroes or aliens (well..for the most part anwyhooo). Or fairy tales. Superstitions and myths fade and change through generations and cultures, but the one thing that has always been is the topic of God. Yes, not everybody believes there is a Higher Power, but many do. And even if you don't, you have at least wrestled with the idea and concept of something else out there. Why? What is it within us that makes us question something, anything's existence. Our small life...this can't be it. There must be something else. Why have all superstitions and myths and out dated religions faded, but the question and debate of God still remains? It seems that if it were truly just some hoax and all Christians were crazy lunatics, it would have faded long ago.

In Romans 1:20 it says, "For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse."

This is saying that we are able to see God everywhere. This earth, everything that is good and lovely in it, is a shadow of His goodness and glory. It is a little taste of who He is, in hopes that we will see Him in that. So that we worship the Creator and not the creation. No wonder the question of God and religion will forever hang over our society. He is everywhere. He is in everything. From the mountains in Scotland, to the tube system in London, and all the way back to my old campus in College Station, TX. He is. We cannot ignore it. We must do something with that long held debate. He is, and was, and will forever be.

I pray that you find God, the Creator of everything around you, Creator of the lungs and the breath they hold, Creator of the hands of your loved one you hold so tightly in yours, in everything you encounter. And not the list of do's and don'ts you think you need to obey to be in right standing with Him, but that you fall madly in love with Him. By falling in love, we see and we learn and grow and come to realize we can never be in right standing with Him by our actions, but that is the beautiful part of the cross. The death and resurrection of Jesus.

Okay, moving off soap box again. haha

Past few days have just been so blissfully joyful. Love it.

So, here are a few things that I am adding to my to do list and you should do the same:

Smile if you feel like smiling...what's the worse that could happen?

Be okay with sitting down for three hours doing absolutely nothing with friends. Take life slow. You have the rest of forever to run around like a man person.

Listen to a new favourite (note the UK spelling (; ) song on repeat 3,4, maybe 9 times. (this does not apply to some new Gaga song or some other terrible song with awful lyrics that have no actual deep thought behind them... #sorrynotsorry) Let the words seep deep into your skin till they are etched into the line on your hand, the fingerprints that make you, you.

Here are some awesome quotes from this book I am reading right now! (check it out!)

"I was raised to believe that a quality of a man's life would greatly increase, not with the gain of status or success, not by his heart's knowing romance or by prosperity in industry or academia, but by his nearness to God. It confuses me that Christian living is not simpler... God bestows three blessings on man: to feed him like birds, dress him like flowers, and befriend him as a confidant. Too many take the first two and neglect the last. Sooner or later you figure out life is constructed specifically and brilliantly to squeeze man into association with the Owner of heaven. It is a struggle, with labor pains and thorny landscapes, bloody hands and a sweaty brow, head in hands, moments of severe loneliness and questioning, moments of ache and desire. All this leads to God, I think. Perhaps this is what is on the other side of the commercials... Matter and thought are a canvas on which God paints, a painting with tragedy and delivery, with sin and redemption. Life is a dance towards God, I began to think. And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes, and scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn, because its steps are foreign....

And I think to myself, There is nothing I am missing. I have everything I was supposed to have to experience the magnitude of this story, to dance with God."

Donald Miller

Anywho, that's about it folks. This post is super rando and all over the place, but enjoy! it's the best I got for now.

over and out,

Madi Mae