I really dislike change and ending freshman year qualifies as change. Yes, I know every year is a change, but this has been the best year of my life. Not because college is so great (I mean, don't get me wrong, it is), but because of how much God has done in me and in my loved ones this year in Rudder 434. Because of those precious friendships I made that I will carry with me past college and beyond.. Those lovely, God- fearing souls who love on me when I am sobbing over nothing and who laugh with me as I make cat-noises in public.
Oh (not-so) Rowdy Rudder 434.
D'Ann, my roommate, left me alone in tears a few days ago as left. I now sit here under her lofted bed, as we did so many nights. Now, the purple rug that we would draw on is gone. The green bean bag that practically became our next ligament, your guitar in the back corner, with my side of the room being pilled up with mess. Gone. But all the memories still remain. I don't know how many times we cried on that rug. How many times we scream, "THIS SUCKS! But Gosh...I know God is good." How many times we would pop in Gilmore Girl or an old Disney classic and just sit on that rug. How many times our friends would come in and collapse in tears on that one little rug.
Now my stuff is packed up, ready to go, and I'm sitting on the floor of what was once home, but will never be again, eating Jin's Asian Cafe (delivery of course), and tt's raining. It fits my mood.
I'm so incredibly ecstatic for this summer (WORKING AT KANAKUK! WHOOOPPP!), but this whole middle process of packing up and going and then packing up from kamp to here, it's all too much. I already miss my friends so much, but this change is different. This change is scarier. This change is harder.
I have no promise that next year will be as awesome as this year. I have no promise of any of that. And I never have had that promise, but this year taught me what real,true, beautiful, raw life can look like. And I don't ever want to go back.
So here I must confess: I am afraid of the unknown. Despite all I have trusted God through (or more or less, all He has brought me through that has taught me to trust), I am still afraid. This is sin in my heart, I know. Instead of being fearful though, I am working on missing my friends and crying over their absence, yes, but in those tears, know why I am crying. I am crying because they were amazing blessings in my life. I am crying because of the absence of their laughter and wisdom in my life for a season. But God is going to do awesome things this summer, in all of our lives, and in all of the places He has sovereignly placed us. He is sending us out. I would rather keep us just a dorm floor apart, but He is sending us out. And I am learning to accept and love this and lean on His strong hand.
I heard Matt Chandler say once, "It's easy to forget what it's like to be cold when your warm. It's easy to forget what it's like to be empty when your full." The Lord is emptying my cup. I was poured into and poured into and poured into this year and He is pouring me out to be filled again.
So here's to change, confession, and this little thing called faith and purple rugs.
Over and out.
p.s. listen to this. I've been having it on repeat for a while now. n_n
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlL8LayF0uw
