Wrestling Matches and Toy Steering Wheels

So, we meet again. :)

I went to see this band in concert last night. And. It. Was. Perfect. As my roommate and I drove back from Houston to our small college town, we listened to them play softly as it mixed with sound of tires and road in the background. We talked about many things: future, college life so far, how college is far from the real world, and how we miss art and culture (mostly I think I am yearning for a big city, but that's beside the point lol).

I guess the main thing we talked about was futures and our dreams and the chaotic feelings I've been having lately about majors. I have no clue what I should major in. I have an idea of what I desire to do, but there is not major in Service or Love or Missions. Trust me, I've checked. I have so many dreams and so many options, but I have no clue of where those desires and dreams lead me on His path. I've been waiting and searching for guidance from Him, and He has granted me peace, but is withholding His future plans for me. I know why, but I still dislike it all the same.

I have always said that God is sovereign, that He is in control, and has a plan for our lives and we are simply a small blank, empty page in the story He is writing; however, when I have said this, I have always seen the light at the end of the next tunnel. I have always been able to see the next step. This is all easy to say when you feel in control, but when you suddenly realize that you have no control, it is disorienting, frightening, and all-together nauseating. I am struggling to fight God for control right now, when I know good and well I shouldn't and can't be in control because my life would soon come falling down in a fiery haze, but my flesh detests the idea of not having a hold of the steering wheel. This is why He is doing it.

In all actuality though, I have never had control of my life. I have been the naive, bratty child in the passenger seat with the plastic toy wheel, only giving me the allusion of control, as He steers my life down the road that brings Him the most glory.

As D'Ann and I drove back to College Station, this song played and we talked the meaning behind this song (please go look up the lyrics to this song, by the way. He doesn't have the best vocals, but has awesome lyrics) and how it applied perfectly to our feelings of the future.

"Salute at the threshold of the North Sea

in my mind
And a nod to the boredom that drove me here
to face the tide and swim

Dip the toe in the ocean. Oh how it hardens and it numbs.
And the rest of me is a version of man
built to collapse into crumbs
And if I hadn’t come down
To the coast to disappear
I may have died in a land-slide
Of the rocks, the hopes and fears.

So, swim until you can't see land..."

As we talked about our dreams and desires, our brains went on a wonderful chase as we spat out one desire after another and how we knew God has instilled those desires in our lives. So many people let these God-given desires die in the busyness of life ("I may have died in a land-side of the rocks and hopes and fears..."). Sometimes the Lord's future plan for your life might not look like the normal future for the average suburban college kid. And I understand one must find a job for responsibility sake if one has a family and just for income sake, but why not even pursue your dreams as a hobby even? When one stops allowing our affections to be stirred and our souls to become full, we become discontent and we simply float through life, feeling nothing, but only going through the motions.

As our conversation slowly died, we became enraptured by the dark road and the music that hummed and rested in the moment of our youth and the Lord's goodness and workings in our lives thus far. My thoughts soon began to drift away onto our conversation, the past few weeks of confusion, and how my stubbornness can leaves me so often utterly blind and in a haze.

Multiple people keep telling me that God is not limited by my major, and I mentally know that, but I am now trying to stop my soul from futilely wrestling with His hand and knowing that He already knows what the path ahead of me holds and that regardless of my major, or any decision I must make, that He is not limited by it. All I have to do is pursue Him and all else will fall into place.

Taste and see that He is good today. Seize every moment. Rest in who He is and who He has called you to be.

Madi Mae

"And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you." Luke 12:22-31

Secret Passages

First off, let me just start this off with a little quote from one of my favorite writers and I haven't even finished her first book:

"To all the secret writers, late-night painters, would-be singers, lapsed and scared artists of every stripe, dig out your paintbrush, or your flute, or your dancing shoes. Pull out your camera or your computer or your pottery wheel. Today, tonight, after the kids are in bed or when your homework is done, or instead of one more video game or magazine, create something, anything.

Pick up a needle and thread, and stitch together something particular and honest and beautiful, because we need it. I need it.

Thank you, and keep going."

uhh, Hello Shauna Niequiest. Obsessed, truly. I'm pretty sure she just jumped inside my brain and formed every thought I had, plus some, but could never put onto paper.

Anywho, back to other news.

As a child, I always wanted to find a secret door, a secret passage way to an alternate universe. One with more colors, candy, and stuff animals that could even be described. I would crawl as a child under my bed and pop out on the other side, imagining I had made it. I had made it through to my alternate, dream-like, universe; however, I had not even left the premises of my room. I was only standing on the opposite side of my room and looking at it all with new eyes of excitement and wonder.

In my mind, my simple bedroom room had become a world of magic and colors. Everything was brighter, clearer. Even though I don't necessarily crawl under my bed to find my "hidden door" anymore, the precious thought that maybe, someday, I'll find my real secret door haunts my soul and hangs in the back of my mind. It lingers in the back of my still child-like mind, creating in me a longing for an escape to that world.

One day, I'll just venture into my college class or into a coffee shop, and the floor will just open up and swallow me whole. I'll fall and fall and fall, just like Alice in Wonderland, minus all the crazies in the story. (Was I the only one throughly creeped out by that Walrus!?!?) Or maybe, I'll see a little tunnel hidden inside a book in the library and like a vortex, I'll be sucked in, never to return.

But, maybe I'm looking for my secret passage of escape in all the wrong places. Maybe I've been given my "new eyes" to see the world through, and I'm just not utilizing them. Maybe my world full of colors and wonder is not so hidden after all. Maybe...it's all right before my eyes.

What if God, in all His amazing power and wonder, in all His might and majesty, in all His love and mercy, is my secret passage. My secret passage to joy and fulfillment and life and love and laughter and colors and beauty. My Secret Passage has been set before me, but I've been too wrapped in my own world looking for my non-existent faux version, I've missed it all. God offers us to see the world through his eyes. To see joy and excitement and this blend of love, grace, and this beautiful thing called forgiveness that has a magic of its own. To see His fingerprints on every surface of our lives. To see a secret passage way in a rich black cup of coffee. To see a hidden door in a deep and loving conversation. To see a hideaway in laughter and a simple hanging out. To see His goodness in a beautiful sunrise. To see the world through His eyes opens up an entire new world to us, as believers. He is and has invited us into His secret passage that isn't so secret, but we are so finding our own ways of escape, we miss it. We become so consumed with our form of release, rather it be school, friends, or boys or depression or self-images or whatever, we miss what He has invited us into.

So now I look for God. I look for God and His hidden doors. I still look for my hole in the ground, and my vortex in the library, but I know they are going to come in different forms than I normally expect. Everyday life is singed from His touch and the immeasurable beauty of who He is. I just have to use His eyes to find them and see His glory.

May you live every day seeking and finding His secret passages.

And may you life like a lily among the thorns.

Madi Mae