“Is it fear? Or is it wonderful to face the dreams that you’ve been dreaming bout. And was there ever any doubt that you and all you’ve learned could jump into the great unknown with the truth from books you were shown. And are you up for it?”
This has been the weirdest/craziest/fastest semester so far. It has been a semester of me running from God out of fear (but not the God-is-awesome fear, but the oh-crap-this-is-hard-and-I-am-a-sinful-coward fear). It has been a semester of loneliest. It has been a semester of growing up and figuring out what it means it be a twenty-year old. It has been a semester of gaining new friends and mourning the loss of old ones. It has been a semester of remembering what it means to be a servant of Jesus Christ and that He is with me every step of the way (Hebrews 13:5-6)…even if He seems so distant and every bone in my body and fiber in my soul tries to tell me that it cannot be true. I cling to that truth. Regardless of what my emotions tell me, I cling to the truth that He is my Savior and I am His bride.
So, I leave for London in 43 days.
Forty. Three. Days.
I’m getting kind of nervous. I won’t lie to you. Yes, I am excited for all of the crazy awesome adventures and fun memories I will make. But it finally hit me today…
“What am I even doing with my life!?”
I’ll be living in an apartment with three other Americans. I don’t even know their names yet.
I will be there for five months. And. I. Don’t. Know. A. Soul.
But then, I’m reminded that this is an adventure that I’ve always wanted. I say when I graduate I just want to live in all of these cool cities, do all these exciting things, but now I am actually doing it. I’m putting my money where my mouth is. I get to see if this is really something I want out of life.
This summer, I met a phenomenal woman of the Lord who has lived one of the most exciting and adventurous lives ever imagined. When she finished telling me one of her stories, I just sighed and said, “Man…I just want your life!”
And she replied, eloquently as always, “No you don’t. This is my story. God’s got your own adventures already written.”
I was remembering all this when all my fear and anxiety started creeping up when it hit me. It wouldn’t be an adventure without a little fear. Think about it. All the best movies, novels, have some type of anxious tension leading up to a great climax. I’m learning that adventures aren’t just the exciting endings, and those little moments of feelings “infinite” (insert Perks of Being a Wallflower reference), but all those moments in between. The adventure is the whole story, not just the ending.
And despite all of this, I’m reminded that my Father is with me every step of the way. I have put much prayer into my decision and He already knows my roommates, He already knows my classmates, He already knows all the places I will travel to, and that is a warm blanket to my soul in and of itself.
Man….I’m going to miss a whole mess of people despite all these exciting things, and when this semester ends, I am going to cry till my eyes are red and swollen because most people I won’t even see till next August. But all these people I love dearly will still be here when I return, and I’ll be waiting excitedly till the day I can see them again.
So here’s to adventures. Here’s to fear and trust in God despite that fear. Here’s to the unknown and all the stories that have yet to be told. Here’s to being twenty and having no clue what that really means. Here’s to His unrelenting love despite my sinful soul.
Over and out.
Madi Mae
