How To Be

I discovered last night I have 2.5 months left here. O.o

As you might know, this is quite distressing considering how much I have fallen in love with city and Europe in general. Maybe it's cities in general, or maybe specifically THIS city, but regardless my affections are so stirred for the Lord by being here. I am definitely made to be in a big city, cut that small town crap.

So now, I am on the endless hunt of trying to find ways to return and God simply keeps saying: quit trying to live your entire life today and simply live today....Okay, fine. I give in, Big Guy. I'll quit fretting over every area of my entire future and let you take control and trust in that.

I went to Scotland last weekend! It was the bomb.com to say the least. We walked everywhere which was glorious. We climbed a mountain. We saw castles and monuments. The town was so precious and old. Gosh, so much history in one simple area! It is astounding, really! (pictures coming soon to a facebook near you).

Going to Ireland this next weekend! and Paris the following (hopefully!) Then, come April, I will be traveling almost the whole month! Which is awesome, but kind of makes me sad that I won't be in London for a whole month! I am going to Budapest to Rome to the Almafi(spelling??? haha) Coast, Venice, to Florence, to Barcelona! And hopefully will throw in a trip to Switzerland in there some where!!! :)

Then, on top of all this awesomeness, I'm seeing All New People, Zach Braff's new play that he is starring in and also wrote, next week along with Wicked!!! WHOOO! so pumped. I still need to Legally Blonde, Les Mis, and Singing in the Rain. That's my list. Gotta fit in all those broadway shows!

Today now... I GET TO SEE BEN HOWARD IN CONCERT. boom. I could not be more excited. It is going to be baller show...I can just feel it.

On this past Wednesday, I went and saw Dry the River and the Jezebels in concert! Dry the River is who I realllyyy wanted to see, but both were amazing! (especially DTR..like wow. such a killer voice) Hey Sholah opened for them and I had never heard of them, but they also kicked some serious tail up on stage! It was in such a cool venue too! It looked like an old theater and had tiered standing room. So sick. I was standing front row toooo! :)))

Basically, in a nut shell: life is flying by way to fast for my taste, but I'm trying to soak up every minute of it.

This video is 1.) just precious. 2.) really beautifully written 3.) so absolutely true.

I am learning how to be. How to be alone. How to be independent, but dependent. How to go to a pub and grab a drink by myself. How to go to a park and explore everything and nothing all day long. I'm learning how to be. It's a nice journey I'd say.

sorry this post is so sucky, I needed a quick blurb of an update on life, thus here it is! I'll try and post another one soon. :)

In the mean time, please enjoy multiple videos of bands that I have seen/will see this semester live. n_n

The European Life

So, I was going through all my documents today on my Mac (still working on a name for my new computer since Anastasia crashed...Moment of silence please in honor of her long Mac-ilicous life.) and I found this. I wrote it on the plane as I was heading to London. It was weird to read now that I am here and have been here for a month. I had forgotten how terribly frightened I became once I got on the plane. Seems like an eternity ago.

"Well folks, I’m writing to you all from my plane! It is 8p.m on the sixth of January in Texas and two a.m. on the seventh in London, and I am somewhere in between. Leaving turned out to be scarier than expected. Well, maybe it is to be expected. As soon as my parents and I said goodbye, my departure became real. They were the last people on my list of goodbyes. Friends, Check. Siblings, Check. Parents, Check. Alone? Uh-oh.

As I went through security, I began to cry deep heavy sobs that shook deep into my chest. I tried to suppress them as I took off my boots and showed them that my approximately 3.0 fluid ounces of makeup and chap stick, were truly makeup and chap stick and nothing explosive like about them. Ignoring the floodgates of tears that threatened and throbbed my pulsing skull and blurry contacts only resulted in some weird mixture of hiccups and hyperventilation.

After security, I could barely get my boots back on, let alone make sure I had all my belongings and I myself was in one piece. I could feel the whole security staff at DFW airport watching me with sympathetic eyes, but not the kind you want to see. The sympathetic eyes that you want to see is when you see a puppy that needs an owner. These were “oh-poor-thing-I-should-be-annoyed-at-her-for-taking-10-years-to-gather-her-belongings-but-I-will-swallow-that-because-she-is-obviously-very-codependent-on-people-even-though-she-is-20-and-should-be-more-grown-up-about-this-sort-of-thing.” This, says my pride, is not the kind of sympathy I want to receive.

Short to say…I was a hot mess. As per usual.

It was humbling though. When inquiring about my future time abroad, many people would simply say, “You are going by yourself? Are you not scared?” And at the time, I was able to confidently and politely say, “No, not at all. I like doing things like this, especially by myself.” Which is still all true.

So why all the hysterical tears?

This is the first time in my life that I felt truly and utterly alone. And, as much as my prideful, wicked heart hates to admit, scares me to pieces. The Lord recently convicted me on my independent nature. A balance of independence and dependence is a great thing. It is how He created us to breathe and function and live in our world. Yes, some lean one way more than others, but over all, balance is key. In my own life, independence is my pull. Feels like it always has been, but particularly so in the last few years. But, this can get me in a pickle sayyyyyyyyy when I don’t want to rely on God because I feel like I am giving up some of my independence, when I lack an understanding that in Him, there is freedom.

I also love to do things solo. Which is great because, for the most part at least, I am never bored. Yes, I am very much social and crave people, but I also have a pride issue in not needing them. But the key is…I always knew they where there. There was safety and comfort in that.

So now the Big Dude up top, is bringing me back to a childlike position before him, reminding me that it’s okay to need help…to need people. It’s how he designed us. Me needing someone doesn’t mean I’m any less weak or less independent. It means I’m honest. It means I’m healthy and well. In creation, God saw something off kilt with just Adam. Thus, Eve. He created us to be in fellowship and communication with people and with Him.

In sum, I’m learning now as my heart calms down on this long flight and my tears are all dried up, that it’s okay to miss people. It’s okay to fear. It’s okay to be unsure. But above all, I need to let His love overshadow all these things. For He is greater. He is good."

So now flash forward to the present.

I'm one month in, and I love it here. It's crazy how quickly I adapted to life in London. It's as if I've lived here my whole life. Once arriving, my fears all shrank away and my excitement took over. I have seen so much history and so much excitement and things that no book or text could ever fully describe. From Tate Britain to the National Gallery to St. Paul's to Westminster Abbey to Warwick Castle and Stratford Upon Avon. It's fantastic.

And not to mention...SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!! heck to the yes. Okay, I know for some people, snow is not big thang. But for us southern folk, snow is like a monsoon of fairy tales and pixie dust falling from the sky. Okay...maybe not that extreme, but you get the idea.

From this past month (how fast it went tooo! bleh. dislike that...), God has just been teaching me what it truly means to live in the world and not of the world. Here in London, you either love Christ and live your whole life for Him, or you don't. Simple as that. There is no gray. There is no middle ground. There can't be. I was talking to some Believers from Australia and India a few weeks ago and when asking about Christianity in America, they were astounded when I replied that, "In the south at least, a lot of people claim Christ, but few live it out. They only pick it up as if it were a side hobby." They continued to ask me questions and pry about it. The thought of half heartedly serving Christ baffled and appalled them.

In Texas, and even College Station specifically, it is so easy to dance that line. To toy with the idea of serving Him, but never committing. Christianity is "trendy" and "easy" to do because many people find it "cool." We've created a sub culture for Pop-Christianity ,giving titles to it like "granola" and having a certain dress or wear that would mean you are a good Christian. (As if owning Chacos or a patagonia backpack brings you that much closer in your relationship with Christ.) And yes, I must admit, I am guilty of these things as well. But my friends, Christianity is not a fad you pick up by joining the right organizations, knowing the right lingo or slang, or any of the above. It's a relationship. It's about pursuing Him and losing yourself in His embrace. It's about seeing our failures and shortcomings and seeing how much deeper His grace and love extends beyond that. It's not about do's and don'ts but seeing that what He offers is life and life to the fullest. It's about love and it's about faith and it's about seeing that His sacrifice for my life on the cross deserves a response equal in passion and commitment to his death and resurrection.

Christ is not a fad you pick up on Sundays. Christ is my lover, my life, my bridegroom.

okay, sorry. hopping off my rant.

Anywho, folks. sorry the few blog updates. I'll try to get better at this posting business. :)

Till next time...Over and out.

Madi Mae

p.s. please enjoy some lovely tune-age that I've been jamming to nonstop recently.