How To Be

I discovered last night I have 2.5 months left here. O.o

As you might know, this is quite distressing considering how much I have fallen in love with city and Europe in general. Maybe it's cities in general, or maybe specifically THIS city, but regardless my affections are so stirred for the Lord by being here. I am definitely made to be in a big city, cut that small town crap.

So now, I am on the endless hunt of trying to find ways to return and God simply keeps saying: quit trying to live your entire life today and simply live today....Okay, fine. I give in, Big Guy. I'll quit fretting over every area of my entire future and let you take control and trust in that.

I went to Scotland last weekend! It was the bomb.com to say the least. We walked everywhere which was glorious. We climbed a mountain. We saw castles and monuments. The town was so precious and old. Gosh, so much history in one simple area! It is astounding, really! (pictures coming soon to a facebook near you).

Going to Ireland this next weekend! and Paris the following (hopefully!) Then, come April, I will be traveling almost the whole month! Which is awesome, but kind of makes me sad that I won't be in London for a whole month! I am going to Budapest to Rome to the Almafi(spelling??? haha) Coast, Venice, to Florence, to Barcelona! And hopefully will throw in a trip to Switzerland in there some where!!! :)

Then, on top of all this awesomeness, I'm seeing All New People, Zach Braff's new play that he is starring in and also wrote, next week along with Wicked!!! WHOOO! so pumped. I still need to Legally Blonde, Les Mis, and Singing in the Rain. That's my list. Gotta fit in all those broadway shows!

Today now... I GET TO SEE BEN HOWARD IN CONCERT. boom. I could not be more excited. It is going to be baller show...I can just feel it.

On this past Wednesday, I went and saw Dry the River and the Jezebels in concert! Dry the River is who I realllyyy wanted to see, but both were amazing! (especially DTR..like wow. such a killer voice) Hey Sholah opened for them and I had never heard of them, but they also kicked some serious tail up on stage! It was in such a cool venue too! It looked like an old theater and had tiered standing room. So sick. I was standing front row toooo! :)))

Basically, in a nut shell: life is flying by way to fast for my taste, but I'm trying to soak up every minute of it.

This video is 1.) just precious. 2.) really beautifully written 3.) so absolutely true.

I am learning how to be. How to be alone. How to be independent, but dependent. How to go to a pub and grab a drink by myself. How to go to a park and explore everything and nothing all day long. I'm learning how to be. It's a nice journey I'd say.

sorry this post is so sucky, I needed a quick blurb of an update on life, thus here it is! I'll try and post another one soon. :)

In the mean time, please enjoy multiple videos of bands that I have seen/will see this semester live. n_n

The European Life

So, I was going through all my documents today on my Mac (still working on a name for my new computer since Anastasia crashed...Moment of silence please in honor of her long Mac-ilicous life.) and I found this. I wrote it on the plane as I was heading to London. It was weird to read now that I am here and have been here for a month. I had forgotten how terribly frightened I became once I got on the plane. Seems like an eternity ago.

"Well folks, I’m writing to you all from my plane! It is 8p.m on the sixth of January in Texas and two a.m. on the seventh in London, and I am somewhere in between. Leaving turned out to be scarier than expected. Well, maybe it is to be expected. As soon as my parents and I said goodbye, my departure became real. They were the last people on my list of goodbyes. Friends, Check. Siblings, Check. Parents, Check. Alone? Uh-oh.

As I went through security, I began to cry deep heavy sobs that shook deep into my chest. I tried to suppress them as I took off my boots and showed them that my approximately 3.0 fluid ounces of makeup and chap stick, were truly makeup and chap stick and nothing explosive like about them. Ignoring the floodgates of tears that threatened and throbbed my pulsing skull and blurry contacts only resulted in some weird mixture of hiccups and hyperventilation.

After security, I could barely get my boots back on, let alone make sure I had all my belongings and I myself was in one piece. I could feel the whole security staff at DFW airport watching me with sympathetic eyes, but not the kind you want to see. The sympathetic eyes that you want to see is when you see a puppy that needs an owner. These were “oh-poor-thing-I-should-be-annoyed-at-her-for-taking-10-years-to-gather-her-belongings-but-I-will-swallow-that-because-she-is-obviously-very-codependent-on-people-even-though-she-is-20-and-should-be-more-grown-up-about-this-sort-of-thing.” This, says my pride, is not the kind of sympathy I want to receive.

Short to say…I was a hot mess. As per usual.

It was humbling though. When inquiring about my future time abroad, many people would simply say, “You are going by yourself? Are you not scared?” And at the time, I was able to confidently and politely say, “No, not at all. I like doing things like this, especially by myself.” Which is still all true.

So why all the hysterical tears?

This is the first time in my life that I felt truly and utterly alone. And, as much as my prideful, wicked heart hates to admit, scares me to pieces. The Lord recently convicted me on my independent nature. A balance of independence and dependence is a great thing. It is how He created us to breathe and function and live in our world. Yes, some lean one way more than others, but over all, balance is key. In my own life, independence is my pull. Feels like it always has been, but particularly so in the last few years. But, this can get me in a pickle sayyyyyyyyy when I don’t want to rely on God because I feel like I am giving up some of my independence, when I lack an understanding that in Him, there is freedom.

I also love to do things solo. Which is great because, for the most part at least, I am never bored. Yes, I am very much social and crave people, but I also have a pride issue in not needing them. But the key is…I always knew they where there. There was safety and comfort in that.

So now the Big Dude up top, is bringing me back to a childlike position before him, reminding me that it’s okay to need help…to need people. It’s how he designed us. Me needing someone doesn’t mean I’m any less weak or less independent. It means I’m honest. It means I’m healthy and well. In creation, God saw something off kilt with just Adam. Thus, Eve. He created us to be in fellowship and communication with people and with Him.

In sum, I’m learning now as my heart calms down on this long flight and my tears are all dried up, that it’s okay to miss people. It’s okay to fear. It’s okay to be unsure. But above all, I need to let His love overshadow all these things. For He is greater. He is good."

So now flash forward to the present.

I'm one month in, and I love it here. It's crazy how quickly I adapted to life in London. It's as if I've lived here my whole life. Once arriving, my fears all shrank away and my excitement took over. I have seen so much history and so much excitement and things that no book or text could ever fully describe. From Tate Britain to the National Gallery to St. Paul's to Westminster Abbey to Warwick Castle and Stratford Upon Avon. It's fantastic.

And not to mention...SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!! heck to the yes. Okay, I know for some people, snow is not big thang. But for us southern folk, snow is like a monsoon of fairy tales and pixie dust falling from the sky. Okay...maybe not that extreme, but you get the idea.

From this past month (how fast it went tooo! bleh. dislike that...), God has just been teaching me what it truly means to live in the world and not of the world. Here in London, you either love Christ and live your whole life for Him, or you don't. Simple as that. There is no gray. There is no middle ground. There can't be. I was talking to some Believers from Australia and India a few weeks ago and when asking about Christianity in America, they were astounded when I replied that, "In the south at least, a lot of people claim Christ, but few live it out. They only pick it up as if it were a side hobby." They continued to ask me questions and pry about it. The thought of half heartedly serving Christ baffled and appalled them.

In Texas, and even College Station specifically, it is so easy to dance that line. To toy with the idea of serving Him, but never committing. Christianity is "trendy" and "easy" to do because many people find it "cool." We've created a sub culture for Pop-Christianity ,giving titles to it like "granola" and having a certain dress or wear that would mean you are a good Christian. (As if owning Chacos or a patagonia backpack brings you that much closer in your relationship with Christ.) And yes, I must admit, I am guilty of these things as well. But my friends, Christianity is not a fad you pick up by joining the right organizations, knowing the right lingo or slang, or any of the above. It's a relationship. It's about pursuing Him and losing yourself in His embrace. It's about seeing our failures and shortcomings and seeing how much deeper His grace and love extends beyond that. It's not about do's and don'ts but seeing that what He offers is life and life to the fullest. It's about love and it's about faith and it's about seeing that His sacrifice for my life on the cross deserves a response equal in passion and commitment to his death and resurrection.

Christ is not a fad you pick up on Sundays. Christ is my lover, my life, my bridegroom.

okay, sorry. hopping off my rant.

Anywho, folks. sorry the few blog updates. I'll try to get better at this posting business. :)

Till next time...Over and out.

Madi Mae

p.s. please enjoy some lovely tune-age that I've been jamming to nonstop recently.

Insert Cliche Traveling Quote

Well, folks! It has now been one full week in London! And I love it!!! It is completely different than anything I ever expected, but just as marvelous as I desired it to be. The things that I thought are hard, are easy. The things I thought would be easy, hard. But, that is how life usually goes, isn't?

I live in a flat in central London with two other American girls, Elaine and Rachael. I am attending the University of Westminster and am taking Arts and Society (I get to go study all the old art and cathedrals!), Photography, and Creative Writing. I only have classes on Thursdays and Fridays too! So aka, get ready for epic travels Europe!!!

I went to Hillsong London this past Sunday as well. It was fantastic. The worship was awesome. The message was applicable. The people were so friendly and welcoming. Me being me, I was freaking out about life and such prior to the service. And God, being God, ordained the message to be titled, "Chill out, God's got something up His sleeve." Okay, God. You got me again.

Today has been my favorite day in London by far though. I don't even know where to begin to describe it! After going to see my advisor and getting my schedule changed, I walked onto the street and just started moseying around the streets of London. I had no destination. No map. Just my eyes and ears and a camera to guide the way. There is something so magical about London, especially at night. There is this feeling in the air that some great adventure is always about to take place. Some wonderful mystery of life is about to be revealed, only to open up more questions and wondrous thoughts. There is a magic and marvel to the city that I can't put my finger on, but leaves me in awe. So the day was already starting on a good note with no plans and only excitement on the horizon.

After about an hour of wandering, I passed this old book store. It had £1

books for sale. And these just weren't ordinary books. Some books were from as far back as 1877. One of the books I bought was from

1927 and had this lovely note written inside. It was addressed to a wife from a husband for their anniversary. It was so wonderful getting to look at all these old books and seeing the different letters and inscriptions inside. Books provide an escape to another world within the pages, hidden within each word, but holding these books that had been passed through hands of loved ones and lovers alike, I felt a whole new world hidden with the bindings and brown pages. Not only did the words itself tell a story unlike any other, the physical display of the book did as well. From the torn pages, to the coffee stained marks, to the love letters and signatures branded into the page, into the soul of another. These books contained much more than a fictional story, but a history and a life all their own.

I found another book that was more recent as well. This one was super unique and unlike any I had

ever seen. It came in a box. Inside the box, a bunch of loose leaf pages were placed lightly. The "introduction" says this:

"Presented in a box, the loose leaf novel is 150 unnumbered pages, each consisting of a strand of self-sufficient narrative which, when 'shuffled' by the reader, forms the story. Most often, it is the previous reader who has decided the order you read it in, as the instinct not to manipulate the 'deck' is almost overwhelming. There is nothing as disconcerting as the sensation of holding a loose sheaf of papers, with no number, no chapter, with a hundred and fifty beginnings and a hundred and forty-nine endings."

You can shuffle the pages in any which order and still understand the book completely! There are 146 different endings! Who even thinks of that!?! Such a cool idea. So excited to read it.

After the small shop, I wandered around some more and ended up at Bloomsbury Park. I sat on a bench and journaled for a while, enjoying the nice sunny day. Soon after journaling, an old man, probably around 70 years of age or so, sat down next to me on the bench and began eating a sandwich while working a crossword. I've been yearning to talk to locals, find out why they love this city. What keeps them here. What keeps them enthralled.

So I asked him, "How are you today, sir?"

And so our conversation began. We talked for close to two hours I believe. He asked about Texas. I asked about his passed wife and how they met. He asked what I was studying. I asked what he did. He told me what he loved of London, what he hated of London. And how to "look above the eye level. Look towards the stars. You'll see history up there in the markings of the walls and of the trees and of the birds and of the sky." He told me about his wife and how she was a fashion designer. He told me about his paintings and how water color was his favorite medium. He showed me where Virginia Woolf's flat was when she lived in London and many other authors and other famous historical figures.

Knowing my loves of books and writings, he showed me a hidden alley way that led to a quant square that had a couple of coffee shops, bakeries, and a lovely bookstore. In the far back corner was his own personal studio. I went in and he showed me many of his paintings. (one of which the Queen herself had asked for him to paint for her, I might add). His paintings were so lovely! We continued to talk some more, but before departing, he handed me his card and told me, "to stop by anytime you are in the area."

Albany Wiseman.

I hope I get to go see him again soon.

If everyday is filled with this much adventure, I am going to love life in London.

Over and Out.

Adventures and the God-Written Tales that are Waiting to be Discovered

“Is it fear? Or is it wonderful to face the dreams that you’ve been dreaming bout. And was there ever any doubt that you and all you’ve learned could jump into the great unknown with the truth from books you were shown. And are you up for it?”

---I can't currently remember who sings this. Sawwyy #oops

This has been the weirdest/craziest/fastest semester so far. It has been a semester of me running from God out of fear (but not the God-is-awesome fear, but the oh-crap-this-is-hard-and-I-am-a-sinful-coward fear). It has been a semester of loneliest. It has been a semester of growing up and figuring out what it means it be a twenty-year old. It has been a semester of gaining new friends and mourning the loss of old ones. It has been a semester of remembering what it means to be a servant of Jesus Christ and that He is with me every step of the way (Hebrews 13:5-6)…even if He seems so distant and every bone in my body and fiber in my soul tries to tell me that it cannot be true. I cling to that truth. Regardless of what my emotions tell me, I cling to the truth that He is my Savior and I am His bride.

So, I leave for London in 43 days.

Forty. Three. Days.

I’m getting kind of nervous. I won’t lie to you. Yes, I am excited for all of the crazy awesome adventures and fun memories I will make. But it finally hit me today…

“What am I even doing with my life!?”

I’ll be living in an apartment with three other Americans. I don’t even know their names yet.

I will be there for five months. And. I. Don’t. Know. A. Soul.

But then, I’m reminded that this is an adventure that I’ve always wanted. I say when I graduate I just want to live in all of these cool cities, do all these exciting things, but now I am actually doing it. I’m putting my money where my mouth is. I get to see if this is really something I want out of life.

This summer, I met a phenomenal woman of the Lord who has lived one of the most exciting and adventurous lives ever imagined. When she finished telling me one of her stories, I just sighed and said, “Man…I just want your life!”

And she replied, eloquently as always, “No you don’t. This is my story. God’s got your own adventures already written.”

I was remembering all this when all my fear and anxiety started creeping up when it hit me. It wouldn’t be an adventure without a little fear. Think about it. All the best movies, novels, have some type of anxious tension leading up to a great climax. I’m learning that adventures aren’t just the exciting endings, and those little moments of feelings “infinite” (insert Perks of Being a Wallflower reference), but all those moments in between. The adventure is the whole story, not just the ending.

And despite all of this, I’m reminded that my Father is with me every step of the way. I have put much prayer into my decision and He already knows my roommates, He already knows my classmates, He already knows all the places I will travel to, and that is a warm blanket to my soul in and of itself.

Man….I’m going to miss a whole mess of people despite all these exciting things, and when this semester ends, I am going to cry till my eyes are red and swollen because most people I won’t even see till next August. But all these people I love dearly will still be here when I return, and I’ll be waiting excitedly till the day I can see them again.

So here’s to adventures. Here’s to fear and trust in God despite that fear. Here’s to the unknown and all the stories that have yet to be told. Here’s to being twenty and having no clue what that really means. Here’s to His unrelenting love despite my sinful soul.

Over and out.

Madi Mae

Life Updates

Well, folks! We're half way through first semester of my sophomore year. I have now been 20 for a little over a month and have written more poetry this semester than I ever thought possible (thank you ENGL 235).

If I thought freshman year was an adjustment, I had no clue what was coming for me with sophomore year. Yes, I knew what to expect more from classes. Yes, I knew more people coming in. Yes, I knew where to eat, where not to. Yes, I knew how to find my classes without using the wginormous map. But, the fresh taste of college has now died out, and all that is left is the busyness of life that leaves an after taste strangely similar to the real world. Taking 17 hours and being involved in 3 organizations seemed feasible at the beginning and now come to realize is quite a lot and completely and utterly stressful. Less. Is. More.

I have been learning how to balance friends I live with, with friends I don't live with, to school, and my organizations. It's a struggle to see my friends I don't live with, truly. But if I have to force myself that much to hang out with my best friends, how much more do I need to be making an effort to spend time with my Creator? It has also been one of dullness, I feel like. I'm yearning and missing for different times, more exciting times, but I am always reminding myself: happiness or holiness, which one do I want?

This semester has been one of a dry seasons. It has been one of learning, but not quite sure what I am learning. One of listening and waiting and doubting in between. It has been one of questioning and jumping with uncertainty of where I will land.

In the midst of all these uncertainties and this dry season, I am constantly finding my joy, fulfillment, my satisfaction in the one thing that can and will always sustain me: My Savior, My God, My Lover, My Sustainer, My Father, My Best Friend. He will always be, even in my dry and rough patchy seasons.

But the biggest change of all is where I will be living next semester. Drum roll please.........

LONDON.

Yep. I am studying abroad for 5 months. So now I am not trying to count down the days, but value my time here and live in the present and not the future. That's easier said then done with a foreign country is waiting for you in 2 and half months. So this is mostly my life update I guess.

Summary:

-learning to be patient with God

-learning to balance time

-learning what it looks like (even more than ever before) what it means to put Him as a priority

-I'M STUDYING ABROAD.

Sorry for the lack of skilled writing and thought provoking subjects. This one is simply an update. Once I start traveling, this might be transformed into a travel blog more so. :) We shall have to wait and see.

Tata for now!

Madi Mae

p.s. check out my newest obsession.

OLD PINE from Astray Films on Vimeo.