An Ode to Words and Writings.

So, I apologize for my lack of updates, yet again. I am not the best at this whole-let-me-sit-down-and-write-about-me thing (which is ironic considering I’m majoring in writing and everyone is all like “blablahbla. Write what you know.” And what I know is me.)

What I also know is that I love/hate relationship with words. Words are the starting point of everything. Every thought, idea, belief, starts with letter, formulating into words, which translates into questions, which then search for the answers, even they are never to be found. Our emotions find their way into words in our conscience, which are expressed into words or actions. People always say actions speak more than words, but maybe it is because we have lost touch with the art of words. The sacred concept of words. If we were given 100 words to utter our entire lives, that was it…what would we speak? Would we tell our loved ones how dear they are to us? Or would we get up and tell the world about global warming and how we need to recycle? Or would we try to go to our government and tell them how we think things should be run? Would we tell those that hurt us how we forgave them? We’ve lost the art of words.


Ah, I digress. Sorry, this blog is not about my rants, but about my life updates and travels. (not sure which is more boring, ha).

I think part of the reason my blog updates have been lackluster is the fact I am in a semi creative/writing slump. I know what you are thinking, “Madi…this is not the least bit creative? This is about your travels! Just simple life updates. The two should not correlate.”
Oh, but see this is where you are wrong, my dear friend.

I am the person that bottles everything. I can sit there, any day of the week, and hear other people’s issues, hearts, problems, fears, dreams, but when it comes to my own, I never know what to say. It’s not that I am afraid to tell them. No, on the contrary! I am quiet the open book! But, I never know how to express them. This is the issue. Writing and words is how I think, process. Without it, I am a seven year old’s double-scooped ice cream cone on a hot summer day in July.

I am terrible with words. I am hilarious on the Internet, but awkward and weird in real life. I can sound intelligent and artsy on paper, but sound like a buffoon if I’m ever asked to express something out loud. If someone asks me a deep question that hasn’t ever crossed my mind, I can take up to 10 minutes sitting in silence to formulate an actual response.

I have a love/hate relationship with words. I love the art form of words. The beauty and darkness they can elicit. The same word brings different emotions for each person. Scriptures even go to say that “death and life are in the power of the tongue...” (Proverbs 18:21).

Secretly, words scare me. They reveal the deepest parts of me if I allow them too. God uses them to vomit my soul into open, sucking all that’s inside out like a vacuum. Some people need alcohol to pour out their soul, others a shoulder to cry on, me? I need a pen and paper. This often terrifies me.

But back to the main subject: writing slump.
I’m in it. But not the “in it,” that Natalie Portman speaks of in Garden State when her co-star Zach Braff seems to be in some intense, internal life debates. I’m in the opposite of that. I’m in a city that should inspire art all around me, and yet I find myself starring at a blank computer screen and an empty journal pages, longing to put some type of beautiful poetry in front of me, only to later question if should chunk it completely because it sounds pretentious and/or cliché.

This is when the beat changes, however; I am slowly coming to a realization that maybe my slumps aren’t so bad after all. In the past, when I have been head over heels with what I have written, wanting the entire world to see it, like a proud mamma, it is when I am coming out of “it.” The “it” always varies. When my writings are booming and I can’t get enough on paper, I’ve just learned some great life lesson, had a life epiphany, finally decided to overcome some dreadful habit, decide to finally heal from something I never though possible, etc. You get the picture. But I’m always coming out of these “it” moments when I write marathons of words and works. Never in them. In them, I feel weighted, bogged down, completely unlike myself usually, always hidden by a cheerful façade though, naturally.

I’m usually able to pretty much pick out what the “it” is that I am in at the time, but not this time. And I am okay with that. It’s kind of nice not knowing because when I know, I always search for the way out; in the unknown, I just take each day at a time, waiting till the “it” wants to be found and comes searching for me.

Since arriving in London, I am learning more than I ever thought possible. I am learning things I never though I would need to know or have to learn. Or even more so, I am having to relearn many things as well. I don’t think I could put it all into words even if I tried. I am not even sure what the biggest lesson is or what over arching theme God is trying to teach me, but all I know is that I am in “it,” and somewhere, He is in the “it” with me. I am growing, and that is enough to last me through my writing slump. At the end of this current “it,” I know words will be found and writings will commence again. This gets me excited. So I continue on the “it” and stay up late drinking absurd amounts of juice (there is no coffee machine in my flat, sadly. I must resort to juice and tea), reading good books, and going on walks as often as possible, remembering all the while that God, the creator of words and good books and juice, knows my "it" front to back, side to side, and walks through "it" with me. This is how I survive the “its.”



And in other generic life update news:

1.) I am seeing the Shins live on Friday.
2.) I am going to see Wicked on Broadway on Thursday.
3.) I went to the Harry Potter walking tour tonight.

4.) The new Shins album came out today.
5.) I saw the Civil Wars live last week for free.
6.) I am going to Paris on the 31^st of this month.
7.) I leave for Budapest on April 9^th, beginning my 20 days of travels.
8.) I am working at Kanakuk K2 again this summer for 8 weeks!
9.) I will be done with school in two weeks.
10.) I just finished reading Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller. HIGHLY recommend it to people of all faiths. It does talk about God, yes, but it is a fantastic book regardless of what you believe. Get it. You won’t regret it.
11.) Bought and started Million Miles in a Thousand Years today. So pumped already.

Anywho, that’s it for now. Hope all is well in whatever country you find yourself in this fine night. :) Toodles!

Over and out,
Madi Mae

Recent Listenings:

Nothing Missing

Two months in. three to go. WHAT?

Before I get started on my last few weeks, here are some killer Scottish photos! :)

soooo anywho..This week has been extremely chill and laid back. Which has been just lovely. As was last week. On Wednesday, I went and saw Dry the River with the Jezebels which was epic. then come Friday, I SAW BEN HOWARD IN CONERT. He is completely phenomenal! Wow, like...his voice is even better in real life than on CD. Wow...I was completely giddy after. Top 5 concerts I've been to, by far. Also, bought tickets to see The Shins live in March. WHOO

Tuesday, I went to the Portobello Market with my friend from Brazil which was just lovely. I really want to go back on a Saturday when it is more hoppin'. But they had all these precious stalls open with cheap, vintage clothes and a ton of fresh fruits and vegetables!

(this is completely irrelevant, but my windows are currently open and someone is jamming out HARDCORE to Fresh Prince theme song outside....ANYWHOOOO)

Wednesday (yesterday), I went to see Zach Braff [insert major swoon-age here] starring in his new play All New People. SO GOOD. for all of you who loved Garden State. This is for you. Just brilliant. Hilarious, but still so beautiful. It had such great life truths and wisdom hidden within the play. I highly doubt Zach Braff is a Christian, but man...you can sure get some Christ centered truths from the play.

Tonight I am going to a bunch of small business art galleries around the dorms! :) whoo!

but anywho, back to my thoughts on the play:

There was this one scene of the play where Zach Braff's character (and I am probably going to butcher this...), but he is watching two ants fight over a poptart crumb and he just notices how silly it is for these two ants to be fighting over something so small. To these ants, this crumb means life and existence; they think they need it to survive. What they don't realize is that there is all these other crumbs and food bits everywhere, but they are too small to see it. They are too focused on their problem and fight to look around. Braff's character is saying all of this, and finally end his monologue with, "And then I wondered if this is how God views me and my decisions."

This is a wonderful thought. Sad, but so wonderfully beautiful. We spend our whole lives in toil and fights. Fighting for the right grades, the right relationships, the right job, internship, right salary...but are we fighting the right fights? What if God intended for us to work hard and to fight, but fight for love, for mercy, for forgiveness? What if we fought just as hard for justice and health as we did for wealth and fame? And I don't mean fame as in hollywood...but simple fame within our own circle of friends. The fame we seek as we try to win the approval of others, sometimes without even realizing how hard we are fighting for it.

Hmm.. if I am being honest, I don't know why people skirt around the topic and questions of God. We all have different beliefs about it...why ignore it though? Why act like we don't all question, all wonder? Why do we get angry even at the mere mention of some kind of deity? We make so many decisions and live choices, even behaviors around this topic. Why avoid it though? Even if you don't believe in God or even some form of higher being at all...you have at least pondered the thought of there being one. Everyone has; you can't deny that.

What is it though that makes us all questions the existence of some bigger life form? We don't believe in magic (the hocus-pocus Disney kind). We don't believe in super heroes or aliens (well..for the most part anwyhooo). Or fairy tales. Superstitions and myths fade and change through generations and cultures, but the one thing that has always been is the topic of God. Yes, not everybody believes there is a Higher Power, but many do. And even if you don't, you have at least wrestled with the idea and concept of something else out there. Why? What is it within us that makes us question something, anything's existence. Our small life...this can't be it. There must be something else. Why have all superstitions and myths and out dated religions faded, but the question and debate of God still remains? It seems that if it were truly just some hoax and all Christians were crazy lunatics, it would have faded long ago.

In Romans 1:20 it says, "For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse."

This is saying that we are able to see God everywhere. This earth, everything that is good and lovely in it, is a shadow of His goodness and glory. It is a little taste of who He is, in hopes that we will see Him in that. So that we worship the Creator and not the creation. No wonder the question of God and religion will forever hang over our society. He is everywhere. He is in everything. From the mountains in Scotland, to the tube system in London, and all the way back to my old campus in College Station, TX. He is. We cannot ignore it. We must do something with that long held debate. He is, and was, and will forever be.

I pray that you find God, the Creator of everything around you, Creator of the lungs and the breath they hold, Creator of the hands of your loved one you hold so tightly in yours, in everything you encounter. And not the list of do's and don'ts you think you need to obey to be in right standing with Him, but that you fall madly in love with Him. By falling in love, we see and we learn and grow and come to realize we can never be in right standing with Him by our actions, but that is the beautiful part of the cross. The death and resurrection of Jesus.

Okay, moving off soap box again. haha

Past few days have just been so blissfully joyful. Love it.

So, here are a few things that I am adding to my to do list and you should do the same:

Smile if you feel like smiling...what's the worse that could happen?

Be okay with sitting down for three hours doing absolutely nothing with friends. Take life slow. You have the rest of forever to run around like a man person.

Listen to a new favourite (note the UK spelling (; ) song on repeat 3,4, maybe 9 times. (this does not apply to some new Gaga song or some other terrible song with awful lyrics that have no actual deep thought behind them... #sorrynotsorry) Let the words seep deep into your skin till they are etched into the line on your hand, the fingerprints that make you, you.

Here are some awesome quotes from this book I am reading right now! (check it out!)

"I was raised to believe that a quality of a man's life would greatly increase, not with the gain of status or success, not by his heart's knowing romance or by prosperity in industry or academia, but by his nearness to God. It confuses me that Christian living is not simpler... God bestows three blessings on man: to feed him like birds, dress him like flowers, and befriend him as a confidant. Too many take the first two and neglect the last. Sooner or later you figure out life is constructed specifically and brilliantly to squeeze man into association with the Owner of heaven. It is a struggle, with labor pains and thorny landscapes, bloody hands and a sweaty brow, head in hands, moments of severe loneliness and questioning, moments of ache and desire. All this leads to God, I think. Perhaps this is what is on the other side of the commercials... Matter and thought are a canvas on which God paints, a painting with tragedy and delivery, with sin and redemption. Life is a dance towards God, I began to think. And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes, and scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn, because its steps are foreign....

And I think to myself, There is nothing I am missing. I have everything I was supposed to have to experience the magnitude of this story, to dance with God."

Donald Miller

Anywho, that's about it folks. This post is super rando and all over the place, but enjoy! it's the best I got for now.

over and out,

Madi Mae

How To Be

I discovered last night I have 2.5 months left here. O.o

As you might know, this is quite distressing considering how much I have fallen in love with city and Europe in general. Maybe it's cities in general, or maybe specifically THIS city, but regardless my affections are so stirred for the Lord by being here. I am definitely made to be in a big city, cut that small town crap.

So now, I am on the endless hunt of trying to find ways to return and God simply keeps saying: quit trying to live your entire life today and simply live today....Okay, fine. I give in, Big Guy. I'll quit fretting over every area of my entire future and let you take control and trust in that.

I went to Scotland last weekend! It was the bomb.com to say the least. We walked everywhere which was glorious. We climbed a mountain. We saw castles and monuments. The town was so precious and old. Gosh, so much history in one simple area! It is astounding, really! (pictures coming soon to a facebook near you).

Going to Ireland this next weekend! and Paris the following (hopefully!) Then, come April, I will be traveling almost the whole month! Which is awesome, but kind of makes me sad that I won't be in London for a whole month! I am going to Budapest to Rome to the Almafi(spelling??? haha) Coast, Venice, to Florence, to Barcelona! And hopefully will throw in a trip to Switzerland in there some where!!! :)

Then, on top of all this awesomeness, I'm seeing All New People, Zach Braff's new play that he is starring in and also wrote, next week along with Wicked!!! WHOOO! so pumped. I still need to Legally Blonde, Les Mis, and Singing in the Rain. That's my list. Gotta fit in all those broadway shows!

Today now... I GET TO SEE BEN HOWARD IN CONCERT. boom. I could not be more excited. It is going to be baller show...I can just feel it.

On this past Wednesday, I went and saw Dry the River and the Jezebels in concert! Dry the River is who I realllyyy wanted to see, but both were amazing! (especially DTR..like wow. such a killer voice) Hey Sholah opened for them and I had never heard of them, but they also kicked some serious tail up on stage! It was in such a cool venue too! It looked like an old theater and had tiered standing room. So sick. I was standing front row toooo! :)))

Basically, in a nut shell: life is flying by way to fast for my taste, but I'm trying to soak up every minute of it.

This video is 1.) just precious. 2.) really beautifully written 3.) so absolutely true.

I am learning how to be. How to be alone. How to be independent, but dependent. How to go to a pub and grab a drink by myself. How to go to a park and explore everything and nothing all day long. I'm learning how to be. It's a nice journey I'd say.

sorry this post is so sucky, I needed a quick blurb of an update on life, thus here it is! I'll try and post another one soon. :)

In the mean time, please enjoy multiple videos of bands that I have seen/will see this semester live. n_n

The European Life

So, I was going through all my documents today on my Mac (still working on a name for my new computer since Anastasia crashed...Moment of silence please in honor of her long Mac-ilicous life.) and I found this. I wrote it on the plane as I was heading to London. It was weird to read now that I am here and have been here for a month. I had forgotten how terribly frightened I became once I got on the plane. Seems like an eternity ago.

"Well folks, I’m writing to you all from my plane! It is 8p.m on the sixth of January in Texas and two a.m. on the seventh in London, and I am somewhere in between. Leaving turned out to be scarier than expected. Well, maybe it is to be expected. As soon as my parents and I said goodbye, my departure became real. They were the last people on my list of goodbyes. Friends, Check. Siblings, Check. Parents, Check. Alone? Uh-oh.

As I went through security, I began to cry deep heavy sobs that shook deep into my chest. I tried to suppress them as I took off my boots and showed them that my approximately 3.0 fluid ounces of makeup and chap stick, were truly makeup and chap stick and nothing explosive like about them. Ignoring the floodgates of tears that threatened and throbbed my pulsing skull and blurry contacts only resulted in some weird mixture of hiccups and hyperventilation.

After security, I could barely get my boots back on, let alone make sure I had all my belongings and I myself was in one piece. I could feel the whole security staff at DFW airport watching me with sympathetic eyes, but not the kind you want to see. The sympathetic eyes that you want to see is when you see a puppy that needs an owner. These were “oh-poor-thing-I-should-be-annoyed-at-her-for-taking-10-years-to-gather-her-belongings-but-I-will-swallow-that-because-she-is-obviously-very-codependent-on-people-even-though-she-is-20-and-should-be-more-grown-up-about-this-sort-of-thing.” This, says my pride, is not the kind of sympathy I want to receive.

Short to say…I was a hot mess. As per usual.

It was humbling though. When inquiring about my future time abroad, many people would simply say, “You are going by yourself? Are you not scared?” And at the time, I was able to confidently and politely say, “No, not at all. I like doing things like this, especially by myself.” Which is still all true.

So why all the hysterical tears?

This is the first time in my life that I felt truly and utterly alone. And, as much as my prideful, wicked heart hates to admit, scares me to pieces. The Lord recently convicted me on my independent nature. A balance of independence and dependence is a great thing. It is how He created us to breathe and function and live in our world. Yes, some lean one way more than others, but over all, balance is key. In my own life, independence is my pull. Feels like it always has been, but particularly so in the last few years. But, this can get me in a pickle sayyyyyyyyy when I don’t want to rely on God because I feel like I am giving up some of my independence, when I lack an understanding that in Him, there is freedom.

I also love to do things solo. Which is great because, for the most part at least, I am never bored. Yes, I am very much social and crave people, but I also have a pride issue in not needing them. But the key is…I always knew they where there. There was safety and comfort in that.

So now the Big Dude up top, is bringing me back to a childlike position before him, reminding me that it’s okay to need help…to need people. It’s how he designed us. Me needing someone doesn’t mean I’m any less weak or less independent. It means I’m honest. It means I’m healthy and well. In creation, God saw something off kilt with just Adam. Thus, Eve. He created us to be in fellowship and communication with people and with Him.

In sum, I’m learning now as my heart calms down on this long flight and my tears are all dried up, that it’s okay to miss people. It’s okay to fear. It’s okay to be unsure. But above all, I need to let His love overshadow all these things. For He is greater. He is good."

So now flash forward to the present.

I'm one month in, and I love it here. It's crazy how quickly I adapted to life in London. It's as if I've lived here my whole life. Once arriving, my fears all shrank away and my excitement took over. I have seen so much history and so much excitement and things that no book or text could ever fully describe. From Tate Britain to the National Gallery to St. Paul's to Westminster Abbey to Warwick Castle and Stratford Upon Avon. It's fantastic.

And not to mention...SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!! heck to the yes. Okay, I know for some people, snow is not big thang. But for us southern folk, snow is like a monsoon of fairy tales and pixie dust falling from the sky. Okay...maybe not that extreme, but you get the idea.

From this past month (how fast it went tooo! bleh. dislike that...), God has just been teaching me what it truly means to live in the world and not of the world. Here in London, you either love Christ and live your whole life for Him, or you don't. Simple as that. There is no gray. There is no middle ground. There can't be. I was talking to some Believers from Australia and India a few weeks ago and when asking about Christianity in America, they were astounded when I replied that, "In the south at least, a lot of people claim Christ, but few live it out. They only pick it up as if it were a side hobby." They continued to ask me questions and pry about it. The thought of half heartedly serving Christ baffled and appalled them.

In Texas, and even College Station specifically, it is so easy to dance that line. To toy with the idea of serving Him, but never committing. Christianity is "trendy" and "easy" to do because many people find it "cool." We've created a sub culture for Pop-Christianity ,giving titles to it like "granola" and having a certain dress or wear that would mean you are a good Christian. (As if owning Chacos or a patagonia backpack brings you that much closer in your relationship with Christ.) And yes, I must admit, I am guilty of these things as well. But my friends, Christianity is not a fad you pick up by joining the right organizations, knowing the right lingo or slang, or any of the above. It's a relationship. It's about pursuing Him and losing yourself in His embrace. It's about seeing our failures and shortcomings and seeing how much deeper His grace and love extends beyond that. It's not about do's and don'ts but seeing that what He offers is life and life to the fullest. It's about love and it's about faith and it's about seeing that His sacrifice for my life on the cross deserves a response equal in passion and commitment to his death and resurrection.

Christ is not a fad you pick up on Sundays. Christ is my lover, my life, my bridegroom.

okay, sorry. hopping off my rant.

Anywho, folks. sorry the few blog updates. I'll try to get better at this posting business. :)

Till next time...Over and out.

Madi Mae

p.s. please enjoy some lovely tune-age that I've been jamming to nonstop recently.

Insert Cliche Traveling Quote

Well, folks! It has now been one full week in London! And I love it!!! It is completely different than anything I ever expected, but just as marvelous as I desired it to be. The things that I thought are hard, are easy. The things I thought would be easy, hard. But, that is how life usually goes, isn't?

I live in a flat in central London with two other American girls, Elaine and Rachael. I am attending the University of Westminster and am taking Arts and Society (I get to go study all the old art and cathedrals!), Photography, and Creative Writing. I only have classes on Thursdays and Fridays too! So aka, get ready for epic travels Europe!!!

I went to Hillsong London this past Sunday as well. It was fantastic. The worship was awesome. The message was applicable. The people were so friendly and welcoming. Me being me, I was freaking out about life and such prior to the service. And God, being God, ordained the message to be titled, "Chill out, God's got something up His sleeve." Okay, God. You got me again.

Today has been my favorite day in London by far though. I don't even know where to begin to describe it! After going to see my advisor and getting my schedule changed, I walked onto the street and just started moseying around the streets of London. I had no destination. No map. Just my eyes and ears and a camera to guide the way. There is something so magical about London, especially at night. There is this feeling in the air that some great adventure is always about to take place. Some wonderful mystery of life is about to be revealed, only to open up more questions and wondrous thoughts. There is a magic and marvel to the city that I can't put my finger on, but leaves me in awe. So the day was already starting on a good note with no plans and only excitement on the horizon.

After about an hour of wandering, I passed this old book store. It had £1

books for sale. And these just weren't ordinary books. Some books were from as far back as 1877. One of the books I bought was from

1927 and had this lovely note written inside. It was addressed to a wife from a husband for their anniversary. It was so wonderful getting to look at all these old books and seeing the different letters and inscriptions inside. Books provide an escape to another world within the pages, hidden within each word, but holding these books that had been passed through hands of loved ones and lovers alike, I felt a whole new world hidden with the bindings and brown pages. Not only did the words itself tell a story unlike any other, the physical display of the book did as well. From the torn pages, to the coffee stained marks, to the love letters and signatures branded into the page, into the soul of another. These books contained much more than a fictional story, but a history and a life all their own.

I found another book that was more recent as well. This one was super unique and unlike any I had

ever seen. It came in a box. Inside the box, a bunch of loose leaf pages were placed lightly. The "introduction" says this:

"Presented in a box, the loose leaf novel is 150 unnumbered pages, each consisting of a strand of self-sufficient narrative which, when 'shuffled' by the reader, forms the story. Most often, it is the previous reader who has decided the order you read it in, as the instinct not to manipulate the 'deck' is almost overwhelming. There is nothing as disconcerting as the sensation of holding a loose sheaf of papers, with no number, no chapter, with a hundred and fifty beginnings and a hundred and forty-nine endings."

You can shuffle the pages in any which order and still understand the book completely! There are 146 different endings! Who even thinks of that!?! Such a cool idea. So excited to read it.

After the small shop, I wandered around some more and ended up at Bloomsbury Park. I sat on a bench and journaled for a while, enjoying the nice sunny day. Soon after journaling, an old man, probably around 70 years of age or so, sat down next to me on the bench and began eating a sandwich while working a crossword. I've been yearning to talk to locals, find out why they love this city. What keeps them here. What keeps them enthralled.

So I asked him, "How are you today, sir?"

And so our conversation began. We talked for close to two hours I believe. He asked about Texas. I asked about his passed wife and how they met. He asked what I was studying. I asked what he did. He told me what he loved of London, what he hated of London. And how to "look above the eye level. Look towards the stars. You'll see history up there in the markings of the walls and of the trees and of the birds and of the sky." He told me about his wife and how she was a fashion designer. He told me about his paintings and how water color was his favorite medium. He showed me where Virginia Woolf's flat was when she lived in London and many other authors and other famous historical figures.

Knowing my loves of books and writings, he showed me a hidden alley way that led to a quant square that had a couple of coffee shops, bakeries, and a lovely bookstore. In the far back corner was his own personal studio. I went in and he showed me many of his paintings. (one of which the Queen herself had asked for him to paint for her, I might add). His paintings were so lovely! We continued to talk some more, but before departing, he handed me his card and told me, "to stop by anytime you are in the area."

Albany Wiseman.

I hope I get to go see him again soon.

If everyday is filled with this much adventure, I am going to love life in London.

Over and Out.