Just when I think I've overcome my struggles with self-image and my identity, I get a slap in the face and the Holy Spirit reveals yet another element of my deep, dark soul that He is slowly turning into light, like His.
I recently went to Impact Retreat, which is a Christian freshman camp for incoming students at Texas A&M and the local community college in Cstat. Before the retreat, my mind was all over the place with worry and anxiety. No matter how hard I tried to surrender it to the Lord, my worries seemed to always win. To add to this, two nights before I left for the retreat, I remember laying in bed attempting sleep at 2 A.M., when I realized the most overwhelming fact of all: I have no clue who I am.
I had always considered my self to be a pretty "independent" person, relatively. Not really a follower of sorts. The peer-pressure to fit in by partaking in partying, or partying in general, has never been a struggle for me. My struggles look quite different from this. But because of this fact(and my pride), I just figured I was not a crowd follower, unlike others who do struggle with this. Well was I ever wrong (as usual haha).
As this revelation of my identity, or lack there of, hit me. I wanted to start sobbing; I am going to college, and I have no clue who I am, who to be, or even how to answer these questions. I have been who people have wanted me to be, or rather, who I thought people expected me to be.
At home, I have always felt pressure to be the "easy-child," the one who is passive, and doesn't argue much and is always cheerful. So thus, even when I was upset, I felt like I couldn't show it. With certain people, I felt that since I often have a random/cheesy sense of humor, I had to suppress it, unsure if they would shun me because of they thought I was "weird" or "different." At church, I felt like I had to be this girl who knew all the answers and was always put together (ironically, I go to a church that often states, "It's okay to not be okay, just don't stay there." So where I got this feeling, who even knows.) The list could go on. Because of all these things and more, I have often felt awkward, anxious, and unsure in many situations, waiting to judge the people around me to know on how to act and not act.
Fast forward now to my drive to College Station on my way to Impact Retreat. I was incredibly nervous the whole ride down, unsure of what to expect. As I drove the 3 hours though from Dallas to Cstat, I had this question and all these thoughts in the back of mind, trying to figure out which one of these situations I had felt most like myself, most at home. I realized it was at Kanakuk. At Kanakuk Kamps I feel like myself, and that has been the only time. At Kanakuk, I never put pressure to be someone else other than Madison Mae Parker, who God created me to be. The question still remained though; why?
When I finally arrive at the actual camp site of Impact, we have a church session taught by Ben Stuart. His first topic of the four day trip? Identity. I laughed silently to myself at God and His perfect timing. In moments like those, I can just picture God smiling from above, saying, "I know. Pretty cool, right?" haha. Love it. Anywho, Ben Stuart is an amazing speaker and its' a gift from God, truly. After the church service, we play some games for a while, until midnight, when they offer an optional praise and worship time out in a field with just an acoustic guitar and hardly any lights, millions of stars, and the wonderful sound of crickets and trees rustling. Beautiful. Truly.
I head down to the field and as soon as I look up and see the millions of stars, I am left speechless in awe of His creation. I lay down on my back as I look at the stars. I then began to dwell on the question that had been gnawing on me for the past few days and Ben's talk from that night.
Then I heard it, heard Him. As gently as the wind, but as clear and loud as any microphone could produce.
"You are Mine. That's it. That's it....Nothing else matters."
That's it. It seems so simple. But I had missed it all along. All those times I felt awkward and out of place, out of touch with myself and others, was because I was not putting my self worth in Him, but in all the other things that don't matter and will fade away. I said lightly to myself,
"I am Madison Mae Parker, a bond servant of Christ. The end."
In that moment, I felt so entirely free. I felt as if I had been on the bottom of a dog-pile and all of the people I had tried so hard for so long to impress, and suddenly retreated from laying on my chest as I coughed and wheezed for air. For the rest of the retreat, and even till now, I still feel this freedom. Yes, I have already caught myself trying to think about what others are thinking about it, but quickly remember that His opinion is the only one that matters. My reputation, my grades, my friends, my family, only His matters. The end. Case closed.
I am His and He is mine.
"Listen to me, O coastlands,
and give attention, you peoples from afar.
The LORD called me from the womb,
from the body of my mother he named my name.
He made my mouth like a sharp sword;
in the shadow of his hand he hid me;
he made me a polished arrow;
in his quiver he hid me away.
And he said to me, 'You are my servant,
Israel, in whom I will be glorified.'"
Isaiah 49:1-3 ESV
May you walk in a way that is pleasing to the Lord, remembering that you are His, like a lily among the thorns (Song of Solomon 2:2)
