Glorified Gospels

I want to go to Africa.
But for so many selfish reasons.
Yes, to serve people and show them the love of Christ is up there, and probably number one; however, reason #2 through however-many shouldn't even exist.

My sole purpose should be to glorify Him and love on people to show them His greatness.

Yet, I find myself wanting to go because it has some how recently become the "cool" thing, the "trendy" thing, if you will.
And yes, I do feel called to missions (whether state side or out of state, we'll see where He takes me) (and I know, any job I have is a "mission" field, but that's not what I mean, my heart yearns for something else), but along the way, my own feelings have gotten wrapped up in it.

So Africa. I want to go. But why?
Because Africa's trendy.
It's awful, my flesh. People are dying of starvation, curable diseases, and HIV daily, and I want to go for my reputation.

With my new church in College Station, there is an opportunity for me to go to Guatemala over spring break this Spring.
When I first heard about it, I simply tossed it aside thinking about my already-oh-so-set-in-stone spring break plans that I had made with my sorority sisters without leaving room for Christ. Surely Christ's plan for me would be to go do the easy thing and bond with my sister! Yes, and this might be the case for me, but I decided this for myself before I could ever listen to His Word. Later on the sermon, my pastor, Allen, said something about how in America it is so easy to limit God to our standard. We want to fit God into what seems acceptable, comfortable for our American lifestyles. God, heal this person. God, do this. God, do that. God, what school do I go to? God, what guy should I date? blah.blah, blah. We don't allow God to be God. We don't ask, "God, what's next?" "What do You want me to do?"
So right then and there I prayed, "God, give me big dreams, Your dreams.."

(Note to self: Think before you pray haha)

Later on that night, I was up late studying for my test the next morning when I heard Him loud and clear, "You have to play big when you dream big. Guatemala."

"That wasn't you, God. Nope. Nuh-Uh Um..that was just a random thought in my head. Yep. that is all."
You know the mind games. So, trying to "trick" God, I asked, "Okay, God. If that was realllllllly You, show me again."

Silence.
He had told me once. He knew I heard Him. He let me sit in that, almost like a parent giving you the silent treatment when you know you've screwed up.

I wanted to go have fun on spring break and be a 19 yr old college student. I wanted to go to the beach, not Guatemala. If anything, couldn't God open up a trip to Africa, or even China?! Guatemala doesn't need Jesus, come on!

Yep, there in lies my filthy awful sin. Guatemala does not carry the beautiful glam, so I refuse to go.

So, I waited, stubborn as always. Waiting for Him to pop out of the sky screaming, "MADI, I NEED YOU TO GO!!!!!! GO TO GUATEMALA!!!"

Again, my pride.
God does not need me in Guatemala. God has simply commanded me to go. [Matthew 28:19-20 "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."]
God can use any Joe-Shmoe in Guatemala or in College Station or in my dorm building or in my sorority. He does not need me. He will use any ready and willing vessel, but does not even need a vessel to use. He simply invites us to play and uses us, in spite of us.

So flash forward 3 weeks ish. a.k.a. Today.
I get to have the most WONDERFUL catch-up-on-life conversation with my dear, precious friend, Hannah Jordan. She is a tremendous blessing in my life and the Lord continue to uses her in mighty ways. I'm not quite sure what I would do without you, friend.
Anywho, I put off telling her about this opportunity knowing her well enough and what she would say. But finally, I knew I had too. So I explained my emotions and the opportunity, the pros-cons, and all the x's and o's in between that my overdrive brain had thought of.
She listened and was patient and at the end peered and prodded and she asked me the tough questions.

Finally her verdict:
"Madi, you need to go."

Exactly what I needed to hear and didn't quite want to. She is great at calling me out on stuff. I'm so prideful and stubborn, I need to be just given a command sometimes.

So, I called my mom. Briefly told her in a 10 minute conversation as I rushed in late to my chapter meeting and throwing in at the end, "Oh yea! They need to know by this Wednesday! Bye!"
haha. Story of my life, what else is new? :P

So, I took the first step.
Who knows if I am going, but the Lord has been gracious and has softened my heart to His will, as He always does. Now, I am excited, and am hopeful my parents say yes; however, I know regardless, it is in the Lord's hands and for right now, I am under my parents hand and need to respect their decisions. I have done my part, I have stepped out in faith and made myself available and may He do with it as He wish.

Here I rest, waiting paitently for His call and serve gloriously for Him in my dorm, in my sorority, and in my school. I do not need Africa for that. Maybe one day, but not now.

Jeremiah 20:9 "If I say, 'I will not mention Him, or speak any more in His name,' there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot."





p.s. on a lighter note, look at this.
18 days till Christmas!

Home is Where the Heart is

I miss The Village Church with everything that is in me.

I miss the teaching. I miss the people. I miss the community. I

miss my small group. I miss my precious sweet high school girls I worked with.

I.Miss.It.All.

It’s the place the Lord slapped me in the face and told me, “It’s time to get real.”

It’s the place where I saw how community was played out and how life was done together in honest, biblical fellowship.

It’s the place where I realized that it’s okay that I’m not okay, I just can’t stay tha

t way.

It’s the place where I was baptized.

It’s the place where the Lord showed me His true nature and the foundation of my theology was formed.

It’s the place where the Lord showed me that no where in the Bible does it say, “Love God and everything else will work out for you.”

It’s the place where God, in His loving mercy, brought me to give me the biggest wake-up call I ever needed (well... up to this po

int any ways haha).

But that’s thing, all it is, is a place.

As I listened to Matt Chandler’s most recent message though, I was left in tears

in my dorm room at the end of it. A college

Then the sermon ended, and I was left in the silence only hearing my lungs try to take in gasps of air and leftover tears stream down my face.kid, crying over the fact she has Christ Jesus interceding for me. Crying over the fact my Sunday’s look incredibly different than they did last year. Crying over the fact that my Sunday’s will probably never look like that again. Crying over the fact I miss every aspect of my old church.

The things I loved the most was not the teaching or the music though(although that is what got me there and I am still mildly obsessed with), the things I loved the most were the memories with people, the hugs I received when I bared the darkest parts of me, the laughs I shared, the community, the things the Lord taught me there.

These are things I missed. Although these all took place in a building called The Village Church, they occurred because of the Lord. The Lord is not just in Flower Mound, Tex

as either. The Lord is College Station, Texas. He is in my dorm room with me as I miss my community. He is with me as I weep for the fact I do not deserve His love. He is with me. He is with me. He is with me.

I found a church, but not without some resentment of my stubborn heart. The Lord brought me this church and fully exposed to me that this is my new home (let's be honest, at one random point in the sermon, the pastor says, "You can sit at home all day listening to your Matt Chandler sermons, but that's not what a church is!!..." and continue

d on from there for a solid 5 minutes ending with "um, I'm not sure where that came from, back to my actual notes now..."...ugh okay, God. Got the message. haha!), but my heart is still sinful and wants to say no. And even now, He is still gracious in allowing my heart to be okay with a new home.

So now, I have a new home to make new memories in and be convicted in new ways and for Him to glorified through all of it. But it is not the building that makes it my home, its the souls those people and the Lord in our midst despite of us.

My chapter at the Village is closed, for right now any ways, but God is still God. And regardless of my day, He still reigns.

May you find comfort in Him. Joy in His presence. And love in His mercy.

Madi Mae

Wrestling Matches and Toy Steering Wheels

So, we meet again. :)

I went to see this band in concert last night. And. It. Was. Perfect. As my roommate and I drove back from Houston to our small college town, we listened to them play softly as it mixed with sound of tires and road in the background. We talked about many things: future, college life so far, how college is far from the real world, and how we miss art and culture (mostly I think I am yearning for a big city, but that's beside the point lol).

I guess the main thing we talked about was futures and our dreams and the chaotic feelings I've been having lately about majors. I have no clue what I should major in. I have an idea of what I desire to do, but there is not major in Service or Love or Missions. Trust me, I've checked. I have so many dreams and so many options, but I have no clue of where those desires and dreams lead me on His path. I've been waiting and searching for guidance from Him, and He has granted me peace, but is withholding His future plans for me. I know why, but I still dislike it all the same.

I have always said that God is sovereign, that He is in control, and has a plan for our lives and we are simply a small blank, empty page in the story He is writing; however, when I have said this, I have always seen the light at the end of the next tunnel. I have always been able to see the next step. This is all easy to say when you feel in control, but when you suddenly realize that you have no control, it is disorienting, frightening, and all-together nauseating. I am struggling to fight God for control right now, when I know good and well I shouldn't and can't be in control because my life would soon come falling down in a fiery haze, but my flesh detests the idea of not having a hold of the steering wheel. This is why He is doing it.

In all actuality though, I have never had control of my life. I have been the naive, bratty child in the passenger seat with the plastic toy wheel, only giving me the allusion of control, as He steers my life down the road that brings Him the most glory.

As D'Ann and I drove back to College Station, this song played and we talked the meaning behind this song (please go look up the lyrics to this song, by the way. He doesn't have the best vocals, but has awesome lyrics) and how it applied perfectly to our feelings of the future.

"Salute at the threshold of the North Sea

in my mind
And a nod to the boredom that drove me here
to face the tide and swim

Dip the toe in the ocean. Oh how it hardens and it numbs.
And the rest of me is a version of man
built to collapse into crumbs
And if I hadn’t come down
To the coast to disappear
I may have died in a land-slide
Of the rocks, the hopes and fears.

So, swim until you can't see land..."

As we talked about our dreams and desires, our brains went on a wonderful chase as we spat out one desire after another and how we knew God has instilled those desires in our lives. So many people let these God-given desires die in the busyness of life ("I may have died in a land-side of the rocks and hopes and fears..."). Sometimes the Lord's future plan for your life might not look like the normal future for the average suburban college kid. And I understand one must find a job for responsibility sake if one has a family and just for income sake, but why not even pursue your dreams as a hobby even? When one stops allowing our affections to be stirred and our souls to become full, we become discontent and we simply float through life, feeling nothing, but only going through the motions.

As our conversation slowly died, we became enraptured by the dark road and the music that hummed and rested in the moment of our youth and the Lord's goodness and workings in our lives thus far. My thoughts soon began to drift away onto our conversation, the past few weeks of confusion, and how my stubbornness can leaves me so often utterly blind and in a haze.

Multiple people keep telling me that God is not limited by my major, and I mentally know that, but I am now trying to stop my soul from futilely wrestling with His hand and knowing that He already knows what the path ahead of me holds and that regardless of my major, or any decision I must make, that He is not limited by it. All I have to do is pursue Him and all else will fall into place.

Taste and see that He is good today. Seize every moment. Rest in who He is and who He has called you to be.

Madi Mae

"And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you." Luke 12:22-31